Very, Very, Very Tired

Karen Mulder has the right idea. Time to get ready for bed (though she could be getting ready to go out, hmm).

So yeah, sleep. It sounds like pure perfection to me. This whole week has just been non stop WHAM WHAM WHAM and the sad thing is, it's actually been a lot tamer than my usual weeks. Next week is when I go back to my two jobs. I haven't found my balance yet and it's kind of annoying. All I want to do is sleep for awhile.

Even things that should by all rights enthuse and excite me (i.e. ordering some clothes in the mail, magazines, reading funny books, the fact that I have two internship offers that I can't really decide between) just kind of make me feel tired to even think about.

Whoa, I just reread that last sentence and I sound like a big pussy. Why are my joys making me feel tired? Why?

I'm attributing this to STL syndrome. STL stands for Saint Louis, aka the home state. Every year at this time, the weather back at home is really snowy and sleet filled and super cold. Last year at this time, I would go to school until 6pm in the evening, wait shivering at the bus stop because as usual, I refused to wear suitable cold weather clothes, get off at Taco Bell for dinner (I never ate lunch at Meramec), then one of my parents would come pick me up and I would go home eat, lie in bed propped up on my Herbert pillow while watching Arrested Development, venture out to make some pleasantries and bitch about my day with the family, fall asleep hoping to never wake up and snap alert to the chimes of the Hawaiian ringtone on my phone at 5am to go to Panera Bread for work.

It was an awful bleak period of time in my life.

So every year at this time, I just get overwhelmingly empty and sad. I'm not sure what it is. I'm not lacking anything in my life, in fact I'm very blessed and well aware of the wonderful opportunities I have and damn grateful for them. I think it's just that I spent 20 years in a cold place and now that I'm in a warm one, my body and mindset need some time to adapt.

Reprogram.

The most vivid STL syndrome day I recall was in my junior year of high school. It was February. There was snow on the ground and ice on the streets making a blue shadow cast over everything. I watched Thirteen in my room in the dark and once it was over, I felt mildly sick. Not at the movie, that was great. Just the weather. And the fact that I was having my epic fight with a bunch of my former friends. (You know it's bad when one of your former ex-friends writes a fucking poem for class about the fight and cites your name in it and you have to read and critique a copy). And that I kind of wanted to tell my parents but I really didn't want them to know that I was having problems at my dream high school. I preferred that they thought everything was fine and so I acted like nothing was wrong. Anytime I was snippy I chalked it up to work (my two jobs) and just being tired. So I left my room, I ate dinner with a couple members of my family, and I did my very best to act engaging and witty without looking/seeming glum.

Bleh, all of my old issues look so insignificant and small now. I've come a long way baby. Some days anyhow. Others I've barely progressed.

Listening to:

-David Guetta Stay

-Ian Van Dahl Just a Girl

-Sophie Ellis Bextor Mixed Up World

Not listening to:

-The Smiths Asleep (It's practically a lullaby, my head would drop faster on my keypad than anything)

-Delerium Eternal Odyssey (9 minutes of gorgeous pianos and chanting? I'd be out like that.)

Love to you all,

Heather