I've been in a rut since Monday. Possibly longer than that. Lots of factors contributed to this feeling including the whole unemployment issue, that guy from Santa Barbara who bitched out my blog name, that one second we had a complication with renewing the lease at the apartment, and that extremely uncalled for phone call from my Dad last Saturday at 6am who literally decided for me that I needed to move home right now and wasn't going to make it out here. With a followup call from my brother who equally yelled at me and didn't seem to care that I almost lost my sanity in the bank that morning from being so upset and spent that night crying into my pillow.
The feeling I get when my parents talk down to me is the equivalent of feeling as though I'm drowning. No two people on this earth can make me feel more small and worth nothing faster than they do. When things are good, they're grand. But it gets hard to hang onto the good moments because these days they're few and far in between. At times, I'm positive they just don't want to see me grow up. Because right now, my future does not align with the future they set for me.
When I was little, my parents used to sit in the living room and talk about The Future. What I would do. Who I would become. Money. Money. Money. In our house, the topic of money just never stopped. It worried me how they didn't seem to discuss the present like they did the future. I used to lie awake at night listening to them, and squeezing my eyes shut as hard as I could to wake up somewhere else. Be the other version of Heather they could have been more proud of. The other version who would run track, who was good at math, who would attend a school in-state, get married once she graduated to a good man, and have children.
The version of me I am now is the only one I know how to be. I like clothing and fashion and can dress with the best of them. I love to read and write. The school I attended was out of state, but I loved that school with every fiber of my being and would never, ever give up going there for somewhere else. Ever. By traveling there, I also discovered that I love to travel and go to new places too. If I ever get married, I'll marry for love, not for reputation or money. At this point though, the only two men I know I would instantly marry without any doubt whatsoever would be either my celebrity crush Ralph Fiennes or my ex, Ryan. The latter is difficult because I fear it won't ever happen. A struggling actor with no sufficient income? My parents wouldn't support it. For some reason, I believe in him. I just do. I always will and I know that no matter what, I'll love him forever because that's just the kind of girl I am. I want to see the best in everyone and I know the best is always there, somewhere. All it takes is just having someone to believe in you and support you. And that's just how I felt with him.
I love my parents. I really do. I don't want anyone to read this and come away from it thinking that I don't. But the love I have for them is shifting into something else. It's growing distant. I'm afraid of this, but not afraid at the same time.
...moving along.
Anytime something awful happens to me, I go into this mode of staying optimistic and getting prioritized.
As of today, I am currently on the new lease and next Tuesday, I get to start going into the office of my internship (Fender Music Foundation, which I've been telecommuting with since February). I feared I was pretty much done with this position, but luckily that is not the case! I'm thanking my lucky stars for my amazing boss on this one. If I can work out any way to get a check of some sort from them, I will try my very best. Because if that can happen, I will work all of the hours and practically live in that office. It also helps that the work I'm doing is for non-profits, something I'm very passionate about because with non-profits, I actually feel like I'm doing something that helps others. And believe me, on the endless parade of job interviews I've been on, this sense of passion truly matters. Not once on any of those interviews did I feel I would contribute anything to the position. I'm not interested in working in a position where it doesn't better the lives of someone, anyone. I want to help others, change lives, especially within the role of keeping the arts in schools, one of my biggest causes I support (I'll have to write a longer, separate post on this one.)
You know what I'd love to do someday? Create a scholarship fund. Or just be a patron for a hard-working student with dreams of attending a good school. It's always been a personal dream of mine.
That goodness aside, other things that have contributed to my upbeat mood are:
1) My friends. I would be incredibly lost without them. How could I live without the girls who text me quotes from old TV shows we used to watch together, who plan fun things constantly to do, teach me new foods to cook, and watch True Blood in the marathon form? I tell you what- I couldn't. My friends literally save my life on a routine basis. I love them so much it hurts.
2) All of the Chelsea Handler books. This woman is hilarious! I believe strongly in laughter as the best medicine and with these books, I think I might have overdosed. Of the three she's at the top of her game with My Horizontal Life. I haven't laughed like that during a book in a very long time. Get ready to hear the greatest one night stand stories of your life.
3) Corner Bakery. When the world is falling apart around you, you better get yourself something tasty to eat and forget the rest. This is my scene, full on. It's like a Panera Bread, but with better iced tea. I feel very calm and at peace there. I will forever feel at peace in bakeries and sandwich shops. Comes from all of my years working there.
Love to you all,
Heather
