Friday, July 2, 2010

Out of the Rut

I've been in a rut since Monday. Possibly longer than that. Lots of factors contributed to this feeling including the whole unemployment issue, that guy from Santa Barbara who bitched out my blog name, that one second we had a complication with renewing the lease at the apartment, and that extremely uncalled for phone call from my Dad last Saturday at 6am who literally decided for me that I needed to move home right now and wasn't going to make it out here. With a followup call from my brother who equally yelled at me and didn't seem to care that I almost lost my sanity in the bank that morning from being so upset and spent that night crying into my pillow.

The feeling I get when my parents talk down to me is the equivalent of feeling as though I'm drowning. No two people on this earth can make me feel more small and worth nothing faster than they do. When things are good, they're grand. But it gets hard to hang onto the good moments because these days they're few and far in between. At times, I'm positive they just don't want to see me grow up. Because right now, my future does not align with the future they set for me.

When I was little, my parents used to sit in the living room and talk about The Future. What I would do. Who I would become. Money. Money. Money. In our house, the topic of money just never stopped. It worried me how they didn't seem to discuss the present like they did the future. I used to lie awake at night listening to them, and squeezing my eyes shut as hard as I could to wake up somewhere else. Be the other version of Heather they could have been more proud of. The other version who would run track, who was good at math, who would attend a school in-state, get married once she graduated to a good man, and have children.

The version of me I am now is the only one I know how to be. I like clothing and fashion and can dress with the best of them. I love to read and write. The school I attended was out of state, but I loved that school with every fiber of my being and would never, ever give up going there for somewhere else. Ever. By traveling there, I also discovered that I love to travel and go to new places too. If I ever get married, I'll marry for love, not for reputation or money. At this point though, the only two men I know I would instantly marry without any doubt whatsoever would be either my celebrity crush Ralph Fiennes or my ex, Ryan. The latter is difficult because I fear it won't ever happen. A struggling actor with no sufficient income? My parents wouldn't support it. For some reason, I believe in him. I just do. I always will and I know that no matter what, I'll love him forever because that's just the kind of girl I am. I want to see the best in everyone and I know the best is always there, somewhere. All it takes is just having someone to believe in you and support you. And that's just how I felt with him.

I love my parents. I really do. I don't want anyone to read this and come away from it thinking that I don't. But the love I have for them is shifting into something else. It's growing distant. I'm afraid of this, but not afraid at the same time.

...moving along.

Anytime something awful happens to me, I go into this mode of staying optimistic and getting prioritized.

As of today, I am currently on the new lease and next Tuesday, I get to start going into the office of my internship (Fender Music Foundation, which I've been telecommuting with since February). I feared I was pretty much done with this position, but luckily that is not the case! I'm thanking my lucky stars for my amazing boss on this one. If I can work out any way to get a check of some sort from them, I will try my very best. Because if that can happen, I will work all of the hours and practically live in that office. It also helps that the work I'm doing is for non-profits, something I'm very passionate about because with non-profits, I actually feel like I'm doing something that helps others. And believe me, on the endless parade of job interviews I've been on, this sense of passion truly matters. Not once on any of those interviews did I feel I would contribute anything to the position. I'm not interested in working in a position where it doesn't better the lives of someone, anyone. I want to help others, change lives, especially within the role of keeping the arts in schools, one of my biggest causes I support (I'll have to write a longer, separate post on this one.)

You know what I'd love to do someday? Create a scholarship fund. Or just be a patron for a hard-working student with dreams of attending a good school. It's always been a personal dream of mine.

That goodness aside, other things that have contributed to my upbeat mood are:

1) My friends. I would be incredibly lost without them. How could I live without the girls who text me quotes from old TV shows we used to watch together, who plan fun things constantly to do, teach me new foods to cook, and watch True Blood in the marathon form? I tell you what- I couldn't. My friends literally save my life on a routine basis. I love them so much it hurts.

2) All of the Chelsea Handler books. This woman is hilarious! I believe strongly in laughter as the best medicine and with these books, I think I might have overdosed. Of the three she's at the top of her game with My Horizontal Life. I haven't laughed like that during a book in a very long time. Get ready to hear the greatest one night stand stories of your life.

3) Corner Bakery. When the world is falling apart around you, you better get yourself something tasty to eat and forget the rest. This is my scene, full on. It's like a Panera Bread, but with better iced tea. I feel very calm and at peace there. I will forever feel at peace in bakeries and sandwich shops. Comes from all of my years working there.

Love to you all,


Andrew Green said...

Sorry to hear things have been rough....
Whatever you do, don't go back to your parents (if at all possible). They'll crush your soul forever. I've seen folks like that before.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you were having a rough week, but it sounds like it ended positively. Your new job/internship sounds fantastic! I've worked in the non-profit sector for most of my adult life, and I couldn't see myself ever going back to corporate for profit. While the job I have sometimes stresses me out, and I do think of working somewhere else, I will always see myself working for a non-profit cause. I'd like to go into the arts and children's literacy one day.
Good luck with the internship. I really believe you will be able to turn it into something sustainable for yourself. Do what you love and the money will follow! - G

Anonymous said...

I think because you're growing up, it's normal for your relationship with your parents to undergo a lot of adjustments. It's painful, I'm going through a bit of the same with my father. He's worried because the me right now is not going for a career choice that will earn me a lot of money. It really sucks, and I'm sorry your parents place such a high importance over wealth and a certain way of life. I don't think they're set out to crush your soul, but maybe you know that already.

Good luck.

The Zhush said...

Agree! Nothing like good friends, Chelsea Handler and baked goods to cheer me up as well! :)

Diana Mieczan said...

Ohh I am sorry you are having a hard time...I almost cried while reading your post...But I am so happy you have great friends and Chelsea Handler is amazing...I love her too:)
Kisses sweetie and I hope you will have an ok day:)

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

Great friends are hard to come by...continue to count that blessings indeed.
Hope everything would be better soon dear~hang in there ok~

drollgirl said...

you have had some tough times lately. i think a bit of distance from the family (both physically and psychologically) can help.

i moved away for college, and never moved back. i love my parents and my family, but it is kind of nice to have 6 hours between us. and to have caller id so i answer the calls only if i am ready to deal with them. things are much easier this way. and when i visit, it is a treat for them, and a treat for me. whew. that is much easier and kinder on us all.

hope things keep getting better and better. you have a super attitude, and things ALWAYS get better. they do. sometimes there are more hitches than we think we can deal with, and then some good stuff rolls in and we feel SO MUCH BETTER. :)

p.s. laughter always helps. i watch chelsea handler every night she is on, and it gives me a laugh most times. same w/the daily show and colbert. :)

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime said...

I hope you are feeling better! Friends and Chelsea Handler should keep you smiling :) (I want to reach Chelea's books- heard thay are so funny).

wishful nals said...

staying optimistic makes things much better. you'll get through it. xo!

FASHIONconfectionairy said...

Aw, I hope your week gets better. I always feel like I am drowning, often, when I am confronted, or I have to confront others, or when people are dissapointed in me. Sigh, it's a horrible feeling. Good luck with that internship!

Claire Kiefer said...

So sorry you've been in a rut . . . I HAVE TOO! It's crazy and such a paralyzing feeling! But send me your snail mail address and I will send you a card and maybe that will cheer you up just a little bit :)


Bathwater said...

Parents have that way of making us feel small until one day it turns around and you finally realize that you are in control and they come out feeling small. It puts you on equal ground. You never know when you will get your chance to influence the life on someone, being given the chance is a great gift.

There is no shame in trying. Don't quite and move home until you have given it your best. I believe there are certain people that deserve us to believe in them, I can't explain it.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Okay, I am pretty sure we are soulmates.

Your parents should meet my parents. They would be best friends. They could sit around and bitch about what losers we are for throwing our lives away. Sigh.

Yeah, I'm going through the same thing. Apparently having a college degree and obtaining a reporting job right after college wasn't good enough for my parents. I'm dating a "loser" (subsitute your struggling actor for a struggling musician) and the fact I got laid off is totally my fault (because I single-handedly destroyed the future of newspapers around the world).

I am sorry you have to deal with this shit. It sounds dreadful, especially since I know (in my own way) what you're going through. Just hang in there and live your life the way you want. You are your own person, whether they like it or not. Your decisions will lead to success, but may also lead to mistakes. That's LIFE. You have to live it.

It sounds like you have a few amazing things in your life which are balancing out the negative. A great internship and awesome friends and fantastic taste in books, I might add. ;)

I hope you feel better asap! xoxo!!

MT Days & Nights said...

So sorry to hear about your week. I think we've all been where you are at one point. Pressure from family never helps especially when it involves money. I agree with you, good friends and tasty treats can always help turn a bad week around.

Miss Woody said...

gorgeous pictures !

Dancing Branflake said...

Oh dear. I have strong feelings about talking to children about money. It's a big no no in my book unless they are old enough to understand. At that point it's strictly about budgeting and managing. Anything else instills an inappropriate fear and focus on it.

That said, I am so happy that your job prospects are looking up. Good for you and you'll do great!

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

I'm still reading your blog-

Totally glad you have a job and are not in a rut now!

Anyway- about CH- I thought you might like this post I wrote about her: