Dude Dealbreakers

"Cock your hat - angles are attitudes."
-Frank Sinatra

Can we get a modern day Rat Pack resurrected again?

My life is starting to reach that point where it's the perfect time for a story that has been told time and time again to enter in. Busy worker bee young girl works, works, works, makes her entire life all about PowerPoints and personal agenda planners with coffee dates and trips to buy more creased pants and blazers her biggest priorities. She's got some great girlfriends, but alas! Where are the men? She is cynical about love and puts her career first, everything else in the second, third, and fourth place.

Then one day, that one man comes along in the most unusual of circumstances. He is not who is looking for and yet, he is what she is looking for. Then to throw a twist into the mix, some other guy she knows from the past comes back and declares she is in love with her. He's totes perfect and drives a Bentley and works with finance or something like that. And she is torn. Will it be the imperfect guy who is probably penniless she picks or the rich douche cad? Poor guy might play a guitar and make her laugh, but he's probably really into talking about feelings. Rich guy might cheat on her but hey, he buys her diamonds and isn't threatened by her career. What does she do? Who does she pick? Ben Stiller or Ethan Hawke? Leo DiCaprio or Billy Zane? Mr. Big or Aiden?

Don't worry you guys, I don't have this actually occurring in my life. Maybe in a few years it might, but not now. However you need to know something about me: I don't promote the image of the beta male triumphing over the alpha male. In these cases, I would definitely go with Big, Stiller, and Billy Zane (he was hot in Titanic, I don't care what Team Leo says). Why? Because I don't like guys who wail on and on that they have "feelings" and want to talk about them. I don't want to ever be in a place where I'm stuck attending couples therapy or shopping for carpeting or listening to a guy strum a guitar solo he wrote for me (unless he is Slash in which case it will be music sans the weepy lyrics). If I were in a serious relationship, I'd want the guy to be independent and afloat on his own boat. We'd check in with each other like once a week and catch-up then. Weekend relationship (well sometimes. I need to write mostly on the weekends.) is just my cup of tea. Is it distant? Yes. Is it ideal? To me, yes.

Frankly speaking, no matter what kind of relationship I ever get into, I don't want to lose or forget myself. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize I pushed all of my girlfriends aside in favor of him or for his friends. I don't want my world to revolve around a guy and definitely don't want to be dependent for anything. I really wish I didn't even have to write any of this down, but unfortunately it creeps into my life. Watching friends get married, get engaged, get into relationships, and society that scolds single people for not taking on the Noah's Ark mentality immediately. Sex and the City might have done well in attempting to make single seem sexy, but in reality nothing outside of that show changed. Disneyland still makes two people sit together on a ride and going to a wedding minus that plus one is still awkward.

This is why we need a Rat Pack. Why we need single men, silver foxes, back on the scene again. Give me your polished, tailored suits and glasses of Manhattans. Let me be charmed by your laughs and the wrinkles from the laugh lines and eyes that have seen the world. Share my love of skyscrapers, travel, the Neiman Marcus shoe department, and witty banter. Tell me stories all about your past lives and past wives. Be fluent in all types of music, from past to present, and remember that the Blackberry is not just a fruit anymore. Be the modern man!

It doesn't have to be forever. It doesn't have to be a marriage. But whatever you do, steer clear of my personal list of Dude Dealbreakers. I can't imagine you'd say any of these things to me as opposed to your younger counterparts but y'know. Just a primer.

Let's not and never say we did and luck indeed, I will be your lady tonight.

Let's go for a hike/run/camping/float trip!

Is there no one sentence that strikes my heart with more terror? I do not own clothes appropriate for any of these activities (my gym clothes consist of an old tunic blouse and leggings) and will not buy any either. Nature makes me nervous. I was that kid on the hike in grade school who when asked "are there any questions?" would immediately want to know when we'd be going back to civilization (civilization, it should be noted, was about 20 minutes away no matter what hike we were on). I don't like lathering on layers of lotion, the fact that the slightest swipe of leaves against my skin will result in a breakout, and all of the bugs. Oh. God. The. Bugs. Some of these things you can't even figure out what they are. Is it a spider or a centipede? Or both?

Float trips are even more baffling to me. We're going to sit in an inflatable boat all weekend with a couple boxes of Natty Light? That's it? Can't we do that at home where the WiFi abounds, I have a bed to sleep in, and I can still keep working? What? We can't? But why? You honestly expect me to take two days off of work to stay in an environment where I can't wash my hair properly?

Gung-ho granola guys are not my cup of iced coffee.

I don't like to read.

Strike that first comment above- this strikes the fear into my heart.

My views on this entire statement that I've heard more than once can be illustrated perfectly in this quote by John Waters, "If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!"

And also this quote as well:

"Being rich is not about how much money you have or how many homes you own; it's the freedom to buy any book you want without looking at the price and wondering if you can afford it."

Books rule my world and I could never be in a long term anything with someone who did not appreciate them.

i txt like dis. y u h8ing on my swag yo? lolz, at the gym txt it.

Ew. What is the matter with you? Did you not finish remedial English?

Can I get a glass of iced tea? Oh what's that? Yeah, I don't like to drink. No I don't have a drinking problem or anything. I just don't like to drink. I think it's toxic for my body.

I have a ton of issues with modern day business dudes picking iced tea during a meeting when they have the option to order a scotch on the rocks. When drinking with company, it is considered insulting by some if you do not partake (and are clean of any past troubles). You never have to drink enough to get drunk either. One gin and tonic will not impair your walk back to the office after. Executive meetings that feature bottled water are another issue of mine- you cannot tell me that after a long, productive morning or evening you'd rather cozy up to a bitch glass of iced tea or water. WATER. Don Draper would kick you outta your job if you refused to have an Old Fashioned with him. Granted he's fictional but that was the way it used to be and historically, the liquid lunch of ad executives has always been my favorite part of American history to explore and learn more about. I'm all for bringing it back. In moderation- initially.

Want to blaze?

Because nothing says, "Oh so mature," than sitting in some guy's basement on a dirty mattress doing a hit off of his bong and drinking Franzia from the box while watching Caddyshack.

I'm sure that the Rat Pack had a buzz going every now and then, but not all of the time. Plus do not forget: they were grown ass men in Hollywood. They had jobs and showbiz lives and strong women and charisma. Young dudes are lucky if they have at least one of these attributes to work with.

File this one under, done after college (for the more ambitious high school, but college works too).

I don't have a job.

Goddamn I can feel the haters closing in on me for writing this one. A young dude in his 20's needs to learn how to stand up, stand tall, and stand independently on his own. I applaud the young ones of the world who do it all and with a suave attitude. Though it's really hard for me to think of a contemporary example- all I've got is Mark Ronson and he's hardly super young himself.

Go out there and look. Apply. Fight for a position. Don't beta your life away in the shadow of the alpha male you could become.

Getting married is definitely a priority of mine. I'd love to have kids someday. Maybe two. Maybe with names like Jordan and Anna. Anna is my grandma's name, so yeah I want to honor her memory and whatnot. And I want a house too. Bay windows, wraparound porch, maybe a dog. I know it's the first date- I'm not freaking you out or anything?

You can't see it, but I just dug my shoe back so deeply into the cement wall that some of the back lining scraped off. It does freak me out. Just like 30-something guys don't like it when 30-something women on dates talk about how all of their friends are getting married and how they just froze their eggs, this kind of stuff makes me very, very nervous. Let's just take it one step at a time, okay? One nice, slow, very far from parental anything, step at a time.

You're sweet.

This is a weird backhanded one I get sometimes. It's creepy more often than not. I'm sweet. Yay? Is this meant to make me feel good? Or do I feel like they don't know me at all? How do they really know if I am sweet, really, truly, sweet? What if I happen to be playing that guy with like 3 dates on the side? HOW DO YOU EVER TRULY KNOW PEOPLE.

The only time I'm okay with it is when it comes from a guy who has read something I've written or worked with me. It's hard to take seriously otherwise. Knowing my personality, if some random dude worked that dealbreaker with me, I would make every effort that night to prove to him that no, I'm not sweet. I'm the exact opposite of everything that he thinks. I'm not sure who I'm trying to prove to anyone at this point anything about me- I'm just a girl who doesn't like assumptions? I have a lot of pent up anger inside? Oh the questions about my psyche are just endless. I just march to the beat of my own drum and this drummer knows her sheet music well.

Fingers crossed the world gets more real men soon.
Something bigger might come out of this post, tbd. I'm testing it as a trial run and so far am fairly pleased with the results. I'll let you know if I work out the kinks on the bigger part.

Oh, and one final Dude Dealbreaker?

"That's what she said."

Burn it. Burn it now. The Den Mother is not amused.

Love to you all,
Heather