Starring Zooey Deschanel as Me

Let us pretend we live in a world where my life is getting made into a made-for-TV movie shall we? As I've mentioned before, I'd like me to be played by Zooey Deschanel (though Daisy Lowe is still my firm backup actress du jour).

Zooey and I, we've got the mad similarities. The brown hair with bangs, the big blue eyes, the fair skin, and the (sorta-close) body shape. However, we have an even larger amount of differences. The whole "I'm in She & Him" thing, she dated Jason Schwartzman once, and is currently married (not to Schwartzman but good God would they beget the most hip hipster baby of all Wes Anderson cinema time)...yeah. In order to correctly portray me on camera, Zooey would have to...

Not be gifted as a guitar player or pretend to play poorly. Portraying me properly includes understanding that I just like to pursue things (most things in life actually) for about two weeks before giving them up. This outstanding list includes volleyball, ballet, horseback riding and ponies in general, painting, baking with an EZ Bake Oven, and relationships with the opposite sex (not all, but most).

Be very indecisive on what to wear in the mornings. Some mornings are just tougher than others, you know? You feel fat in everything, nothing hangs right, nothing matches. Before you know it your entire closet is on the floor, with some pieces sliding off of your bed and you feel like crying and calling in sick to work because nothing is working out and the entire morning is already a disaster!

The worst part? You haven't even done your hair yet.

I feel like Zooey could play me to a T in this everyday scenario in my world.

Do an excellent impressive outfit moment. Something involving a staircase or turning around from a balcony railing. The moment where you look super cute and flawless but still effortless, inspiring others to believe "Hey, I can do that too!" My girl has this down.

Zooey playing me would have to film countless scenes in coffee shops and breakfast food cafes (lucky for her, the breakfast food cafes are in West Hollywood, steps away from the mecca of all things hipster: Silverlake). Therefore, she would have to enjoy eating pancakes and drinking iced coffee which are some of the staples of my diet. Look, she's even putting sugar in the coffee. I hope it's Splenda. I don't do anything less than the yellow packet. She's also scrunching her chin fairly akin to how I do...I'm just pointing out how alike we are, you guys. It's not creepy yet.

Here is where we get to the worst part of the made-for-TV movie. The part where Zooey, the dream girl of so very many guys in the world who all happen to be very nerdy and sweet, must portray me, the girl who sits there and raises her eyebrows to most guys as if to say "Can you believe him?" Instead, she must be able to embrace the fact that she will not be able to date any darling JGL's because most unfortunately in my world (and I dare you to contradict me otherwise), they do not exist. She'll be hooking up with colossal douchebags who never call back and pining away for her "Pretty Boy" ex-boyfriend, the egocentric actor that everyone on campus hated and her friends told her was bad for her and she drunkenly swore at on the phone to in a crowded bathroom twice before.

I mean, what? These are all purely hypothetical situations.

There's still hope though. The movie isn't quite over. We have a hot John Stamos (there is no one else to portray him better than himself) living down the street, maybe the ex-boyfriend cleans up his act, maybe she hooks up with that cute guy she graduated with "Coachella Guy", and there are so many late night clubs to still go to in her lifetime. Meeting cute will happen.

And happen.

And happen.

Aaaaaand happen.

After all she must embody my life response to whether I'm single or not: "I'm seeing the world at large."

Accurate. No need to practice reshooting these scenes.

She has to wear black tights 'round the clock and look a little bit stressed out. I'm a busy girl. Hell, I'm getting my own intern because I'm so busy. However, Zooey still understands that looking good at work is next to godliness. She also shares my love for flats. This picture alone could be the poster for the film. Photoshop in a city skyscraper backdrop and some sassy girlfriends in the background and boom, we've got something that Lifetime could sell on DVD and make a mint off of. MAKE IT HAPPEN WORLD.

Finally...

Spot-on for what's going on upstairs in my mind.

Let's get a campaign for this film to take off happening.

Love to you all,
Heather