Sunday, May 8, 2011
In the midst of the sudden rush of all good things occurring in my life, my mind and subconscious have been acting up. Namely the subconscious.
I've often considered keeping a dream journal and in the past, did have a small book where I wrote the more significant ones in. Depending on where I am in life, my dreams will occasionally light the darker days with pleasant thoughts and dampen my better ones with sadder dreams. When I was working at the former job, I used to dream myself away to a better place in the evenings. Places with fields and the sun and the nice breeze. Which I suppose isn't truly any more different from where I currently live, but y'know, it was. I was different there, filled with more peace and serenity than I ever could be in reality.
The last two nights have presented me with bizarre dreams that I literally could not wake up out of soon enough. Even when I did wake up, I would slip back into the dreams, picking right back up where I left off. Ever notice how that only happens with shitty dreams and never the good ones? Yeah, me too.
Below are my dreams with some analysis included. I analyze my own dreams actively, as I am too broke to afford the viewpoint of a psychologist.
I'm in a subway train, sitting down wearing a white dress. I'm alone and the entire car I'm sitting in is empty. Even though I'm alone, somebody whispers in my ear. The voice tells me that my ex-bf is on the subway too, several cars up. I stand up and walk unsteadily at first to open the door to go to the next car. The subway is moving very fast and I'm having trouble keeping my balance. I get confident and walk faster, and the doors to the next cars get harder and heavier to open. I keep telling myself that this is stupid and to stop trying because reaching him isn't going to do or change anything. I finally get to his car and after throwing the heaviest door yet aside, stumble into a car filled with people I know with him at the center of the subway car space. He smiles at me and I smile back, ecstatic as usual to see him, "You're here!" Then I pretty much jump his bones in the middle of the car (nothing graphic, just some making out) in front of everyone.
Cut to a moment later on when we are both in a car together. He's driving and I'm telling him to take me to Beverly Hills so I can meet up with a friend there. I tell him thank you and he replies of course. We're both older here (in our 30's I'm guessing) and both well-dressed in very pale colors. The sun is setting and we keep passing skyscrapers. I tell him I don't mean to be a burden and he tells me I'm not and I take his hand while he is driving and feel very sad because I know that those stupid glass walls are once more building up.
Analysis: I am thinking too much about my alma mater's impending graduation ceremony this coming weekend. Which he is graduating in. I keep hoping for something to happen, whether I admit it to myself or not. Mostly I just don't want to lose his friendship which over the last year has been something I think has already been lost, if not buried.
I'm just tired. I'm tired of thinking of thinking about him every single day, tired of him popping up on my radar, tired that he comes into my head every night before I go to sleep, tired of wishing that I could share all of my good news with him, tired of having imaginary daydreams, tired of everyone telling me to stop thinking about him, tired of having to sit there and pretend I've moved on and am okay with hearing about him with someone else, tired of trying to connect with other guys and nothing happening because they didn't make me laugh like he did and tired of the fear that I didn't amount to anything more than some silly girl in his eyes.
And tired that he spun our story differently to other people, unbeknownst to me. In his version, I was the problem. Maybe I was. I know for a matter of fact that I was. I know I definitely said some things that were completely inappropriate and had it been the flip side of the coin and I was on the receiving end of the remarks, I would never want to speak to me again. But I said I was sorry. It was an apology I meant. He apologized too. I just never added the underlying part that I would have liked to have tried again. Sometimes I think that maybe time was what was needed, distance, to heal. But then we see each other every so often and it is good for about five minutes before he goes over to flirt with some other girl and I'm left feeling like I need to go flirt with somebody else too to prove that I'm fine with this, I'm good. In the words of one of my favorite movies, Jeux d'enfants (Love Me If You Dare), I'm "game." (Cap Ou Pas Cap)
The most significant part of this dream is that I tell myself to stop it, to let go and quit. This is the first time I've actively told myself when dreaming about him everything everyone else has told me. Even though I don't follow my own advice, I dispense it this time, instead of everyone else doing it for me.
These days I've often found myself wishing for a more private social media outlet to let myself out on as well. I do love having my blog be an open forum to read. It allows me to tell the world things they would never have known about me otherwise because I have a hard time telling people things about me. So naturally even in my dreams, there is a big crowd of people observing my life.
I'm living in my beautiful San Francisco. I'm working for my former employers though, with all of the same girl coworkers I had before. It's not an agency anymore though. I work as a dancer for a diner (part Coyote Ugly with some Sucker Punch mixed in) and we all have to dance for the customers in short skirts and fishnets. And I'm crying because I need to get out of there and can't believe that I'm working for them again and even though I love that city so much, I need to leave it in order to restore my sanity.
Analysis: That job from hell I first had upon graduating from college has forever left an imprint on me. It has taught me to be forever cautious and wary of places I work in the future. I will never again work anywhere for the prestige of a "title" if it means compromising my happiness and ethics.
For some time during my job search, when I couldn't find anywhere to hire me, I used to think to myself that this was a sign that I wasn't destined to work for anyone or any company. Perhaps it was an arrow pointing down to me that told me to begin my own business or just freelance for life. That's the beauty of being a starving writer. We are our own bosses in the end.
I absolutely love what I do now, and cannot stress it enough. I am continually being blessed with strong female role models in my life who influence me consistently. With this in mind, I've been spending some considerable time lately redefining the "ideal working situation" in my head. If the recession has taught me anything, it is that some traditions need to be broken, now.
The ideal working world, if run by me, would consist of 4 day workweeks. 30 hours would be considered full-time. Cubicles would be banished. Windows would be a must in every room as well as modern pop art paintings for the walls. The office would pay for lunches for everyone and there would be an endless amount of amusing work desk notes passed out. You would never clock in or out. There would be a paycheck every week. And guys and girls would dress swell with zero jeans included (I believe I would reinforce a dress code above most work priorities...)
Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to be the change. If the reason why I get put in terrible situations is because I'm meant to learn from it (as it seems I'm always stuck learning some sort of lesson) and take that experience to change things for others. The more I think about it, the more reasonable it gets. Human beings are not designed to sit and numbly type in thousands of numbers for hours on a keypad. It is not fair that in this life it seems there are two groups of people: the haves and have-nots. It is wrong to me that so many people have to overexert themselves on the worst possible, menial tasks simply to make the rent every month whereas others sit around and are so bored with their lives, all they can do is complain.
I'll never forget the situation I was in before because it lasted for 9 months. Know what else takes 9 months? Being pregnant. That job was literally the child I was stuck carrying that I did not want even though it looked like a good idea at first. Those 9 months filled me with so much misery that I'm often so startled looking back on it. I can't believe I did it for that long. There are others who do it longer than me though and in the future, for every step I climb upward, I want to be sure to take others with me. I hope to give many people the opportunity to be happy within their working field, particularly since this field is communications which is one of the most vibrant fields around.
This is slowly beginning to happen, since I've just received the go-ahead at my career (it's not a job anymore, folks) to hire my own interns. I get two for the summer. Seeing as I was just as intern myself not even a year ago, this opportunity to oversee the work of others and mentor them has been gracious and immediate. I knew almost instantly who I wanted to have work for me. It wasn't a matter of picking out friends to goof off with. It was about being able to change someone's world and give them valuable job experience that they could take with them onward and upward wherever they went. I had the ability to help and turn things around, and I did it. I look forward to working with them too, being the boss that having learned from terrible bosses in the past, will not power trip or pull them aside to ridicule them or openly talk down to them or laugh off their concerns. Being firm and fair are the best ways to be a good boss to me, with priorities first mixed with laughter.
The time for the ideal working situation is now.
Cap Ou Pas Cap?
I'm game for it.
Love to you all,