Sunday, February 28, 2010

Worth It

Talking to my mom was an unpleasant experience today. Nothing I said was good, nothing was right. She kept discussing my brother's graduation from basic training in the navy and how they bought a camera for the ceremony- which everyone is going to. Both my parents were in the army and are big supporters of going into the military which I won't ever do because I simply do not hold an interest for it. They are still resentful of me because of that.

Nothing that she ever tells me is positive or uplifting. Today, she told me that my Dad might lose his job if the city decides at their meeting tomorrow to close down his department. If that happens, they will have to sell our house and move, possibly out of the state.

"I told your father that I grew up poor and I would go back to it if I had to." Mom told me on the phone.

I was steamed, "But what about Neil and Ethan [my two youngest brothers]? You can't possibly have them grow up like that!"

She just sighed on the other end. This is what I cannot stand about my mother. When put into a potentially disastrous situation, she won't get up and strive to make things better. She thinks everything will come to her, success and money will magically appear dropped on her lap from the sky. It won't and doesn't work like that.

"Maybe this is the universe's way of telling Dad to do something else." I told her.

Mom snapped, "Heather, for once, can you just mention God when you speak?"

Then I had to listen to how I shouldn't fool around with boys or have flings because everyone on campus will think I'm a slut, that I drink too much which I don't, that I'm young and the companies will love me and spit me out in 20 years, and that I shouldn't love boys who hurt me, that I keep returning to people who hurt me and I should just forget all about him.

I wanted to cry when she finished. Nothing I ever do is good enough for my parents. Nothing. They don't see any value in my internships- all they ask me is how much they pay. They think I spend too much money on clothes but don't understand that most of my wardrobe is garnered for a 20-something working at success.

They didn't even care when I told them I was made assistant stage manager for my school's upcoming play, the only thing they asked me was if it paid and when I said no, that extracurricular activities don't pay, they got quiet.

So when she finished, she asked me if I had anything to say to her.

"I had a dream you died last night." I blurted out. Neither one of us spoke. It was true- I did have that dream.

She thought I just said it to make her mad and our conversation ended shortly thereafter.

I chose the above quote because I plan to live my life just like that. It bothers me so much that my parents think I don't know how to live my life, that nothing I do can impress them unless there is money, big money, attached. I will be fine when I graduate- most likely, I will continue to work and live in California. My Mom is so against that, my Dad is warming up to the idea more and more as the days go by.

But this really needs to stop. I'm sick of them hanging up on me when I say something they don't like. I'm tired of petty fights over my uncertain future. I don't have the energy to sit there and make up reasons to be mad. We're adults here. This is beyond stupid and embarrassing.

I'm sad that I even have to blog about it.

Tomorrow I'm going to call her and have a mature conversation.

Goldfrapp's new single "Rocket", I love this song.

Love to you all,


Rosie said...

This was addictive to read, I couldn't read any faster! Beautiful words... :)

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Wow Heather, I can only imagine how challenging it's gotta be to have those conversations with your mom. But you're definitely accomplished and on your own path and as hard as it is, don't let anyone else take that from you!

Elisabelle said...

I am sorry to hear that the relations with your parents are so difficult. I am sure it will get better in time!

Serg Riva said...

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Jennifer Fabulous said...

Wow. I can relate to this for sure. My mom has never understood anything I have ever done...

Your parents should realize that sometimes experience is more important than money. Internships, plus that stage manager position, are going to help you out a TON in the long run.

Also, it's YOUR life, not theirs. You have every right to pursue your dreams and goals. If they think it's silly, fine. Just prove them wrong. I hate to say it, but parents like that need to be proved wrong. That's not a bad thing. It just allows them to be a little more open-minded in the future and makes them realize they need to have trust in you because you are a capable human being.

Anyway, I'm sorry things have been so tough for you. I hope things get better between you and your mom! Just understand you're not alone. The older you get, the more complicated the mother/daughter relationship can seem. Sigh.

Best of luck, sweetie! xoxo

natalie said...

I can definitely relate to this too. My parents that are overly critical of every little thing in my life. I do something right, barely any recognition. But if I do something wrong, all hell breaks loose :P Ugh, I'm sorry things are so frustrating for you! But that quote really is a great one to live by. Good luck with your conversation!

drollgirl said...

dude. moms/dads/parents can be so frustrating. i live about 6 hours away from my parents, and we see each other fairly briefly a couple of times a year. and that is PLENTY. it is hard to work it all out. but somehow someway you need to get your perspective across to your mom and vice versa, and hopefully you two can someday have easy and pleasant conversations. if this is impossible, i know i would limit my chat time with mom, for sure! eke. hang in there.

Propoquerian said...

Heather--I have this trouble with my parents too. My dad thinks coffee barista and waitressing jobs are for college--and then career stuff just comes straight after. I know how incredible everything you're doing is. You may be being paid little or nothing now--but you'll be getting paid MUCH more than the average college grad who never does internships, when you get out.
And you deserve your wardrobe--It's a big part of your daily joy. And it's fabulous :)

Anonymous said...

great quote!

MT Days & Nights said...

so sorry to hear about that conversation with your mom. I think alot of people are going through what you're going through.

Romany said...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this. Growing up with unsupportive parents is more difficult than people realise. But I think it's so good that you're determined to not let it get to you, and live your life the way you want. It's so important to have that drive, because ultimately that is what will make you happy.
And it's great that you're using your blog as an outlet, sometimes it helps to just write what you feel.
I really hope that everything turns out ok. And keep that positive attitude, it's so valuable and will make all the difference.
Good luck for the next phone call! :)

Luana said...

Even though I don't know you, I'm still sorry to hear about this. I am not in the same situation, but I understand how parents can be so frustrating sometimes. I think you've already won by realizing that if you want something you need to go get it, even if your parents don't share the same exact views. And from personal experience I will tell you this: anything you do (activity/volunteering etc) even if unpaid, is something you can add on to a curriculum. It will show possible employers that you are a multidimensional person and can bring more than just a degree to the table. I also think that the fact that you put your effort into something regardless of monetary reward says a lot.
I wish you luck with everything!

kim said...

i am sure your mom means well. hey, at least she's there with you, for you.

I also love Goldfrapp! Excited they/she has something new!

XXX, Kim

Jenni said...

This was wonderful The quote is fabulous. Beautiful blog :)

Heather Taylor said...

Thanks everyone for the kind comments!

prashant said...

I am sorry to hear that the relations with your parents are so difficult. I am sure it will get better in time!

your healthy choice

belle in arms said...

Mothers are complicated creatures. Sometimes it's almost like we, the daughters, have to be the grown ups. Or at least that's what it feels like. I hope everything works out well for you darling.