Sunday, February 28, 2010
Talking to my mom was an unpleasant experience today. Nothing I said was good, nothing was right. She kept discussing my brother's graduation from basic training in the navy and how they bought a camera for the ceremony- which everyone is going to. Both my parents were in the army and are big supporters of going into the military which I won't ever do because I simply do not hold an interest for it. They are still resentful of me because of that.
Nothing that she ever tells me is positive or uplifting. Today, she told me that my Dad might lose his job if the city decides at their meeting tomorrow to close down his department. If that happens, they will have to sell our house and move, possibly out of the state.
"I told your father that I grew up poor and I would go back to it if I had to." Mom told me on the phone.
I was steamed, "But what about Neil and Ethan [my two youngest brothers]? You can't possibly have them grow up like that!"
She just sighed on the other end. This is what I cannot stand about my mother. When put into a potentially disastrous situation, she won't get up and strive to make things better. She thinks everything will come to her, success and money will magically appear dropped on her lap from the sky. It won't and doesn't work like that.
"Maybe this is the universe's way of telling Dad to do something else." I told her.
Mom snapped, "Heather, for once, can you just mention God when you speak?"
Then I had to listen to how I shouldn't fool around with boys or have flings because everyone on campus will think I'm a slut, that I drink too much which I don't, that I'm young and the companies will love me and spit me out in 20 years, and that I shouldn't love boys who hurt me, that I keep returning to people who hurt me and I should just forget all about him.
I wanted to cry when she finished. Nothing I ever do is good enough for my parents. Nothing. They don't see any value in my internships- all they ask me is how much they pay. They think I spend too much money on clothes but don't understand that most of my wardrobe is garnered for a 20-something working at success.
They didn't even care when I told them I was made assistant stage manager for my school's upcoming play, the only thing they asked me was if it paid and when I said no, that extracurricular activities don't pay, they got quiet.
So when she finished, she asked me if I had anything to say to her.
"I had a dream you died last night." I blurted out. Neither one of us spoke. It was true- I did have that dream.
She thought I just said it to make her mad and our conversation ended shortly thereafter.
I chose the above quote because I plan to live my life just like that. It bothers me so much that my parents think I don't know how to live my life, that nothing I do can impress them unless there is money, big money, attached. I will be fine when I graduate- most likely, I will continue to work and live in California. My Mom is so against that, my Dad is warming up to the idea more and more as the days go by.
But this really needs to stop. I'm sick of them hanging up on me when I say something they don't like. I'm tired of petty fights over my uncertain future. I don't have the energy to sit there and make up reasons to be mad. We're adults here. This is beyond stupid and embarrassing.
I'm sad that I even have to blog about it.
Tomorrow I'm going to call her and have a mature conversation.
Goldfrapp's new single "Rocket", I love this song.
Love to you all,