And as she sits upon her place/Her innocence laid on her face

That title comes from a song I love, The Infanta by The Decemberists. It makes all of the bones in my body wake up, it's that good.

I don't know why, but I've been thinking about ee cummings' poem "I Carry Your Heart" for the last 24 hours straight. Let's have all of that beauty copied here, yes?



i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-ee cummings



Let me ask something, in all seriousness here.

Say you have someone in your life (or you want to put back in your life) that makes you feel like doing the following things:

screaming until you can't anymore, laughing, crying heavily, hugging, kissing, potential bone jumping in the middle of the sidewalk, listening to, hitting, throwing beverages of the Cherry Coke variety at, excited to see and nervous to see and maybe feel like throwing up around...

Are you in love?

I keep telling myself no, because of so many circumstances. There's always time to blame and being busy with my own life and the million things I seem to never stop doing. And the fact that we haven't properly talked, like talk talked in ages.

But lately, I'm late with everything and can't focus. I'll always be busy. I guess I'm scared that one day, all this rush to get somewhere will cause me to miss out.

I just need to sit and think for awhile. I'm starting to sound like a broken record. Though I'm scared to because all of these thoughts make me feel like I'm out of breath.

It sounds like desperation, but as a girl who has considered herself long to be no man's woman, it is beyond a shock to my system. I feel like I've been dropkicked. For some time now.

It's so hard for me to pretend nothing is going on in my head, to keep moving and dressing up and wearing that same red lipstick and wondering, if when he sees me, do I ever look better than before?

Sometimes, knowing just a sliver of the mind would be nice.

In that case, I should focus more on my own.

Love to you all,
Heather