Dude Dealbreakers

"Cock your hat - angles are attitudes."
-Frank Sinatra

Can we get a modern day Rat Pack resurrected again?

My life is starting to reach that point where it's the perfect time for a story that has been told time and time again to enter in. Busy worker bee young girl works, works, works, makes her entire life all about PowerPoints and personal agenda planners with coffee dates and trips to buy more creased pants and blazers her biggest priorities. She's got some great girlfriends, but alas! Where are the men? She is cynical about love and puts her career first, everything else in the second, third, and fourth place.

Then one day, that one man comes along in the most unusual of circumstances. He is not who is looking for and yet, he is what she is looking for. Then to throw a twist into the mix, some other guy she knows from the past comes back and declares she is in love with her. He's totes perfect and drives a Bentley and works with finance or something like that. And she is torn. Will it be the imperfect guy who is probably penniless she picks or the rich douche cad? Poor guy might play a guitar and make her laugh, but he's probably really into talking about feelings. Rich guy might cheat on her but hey, he buys her diamonds and isn't threatened by her career. What does she do? Who does she pick? Ben Stiller or Ethan Hawke? Leo DiCaprio or Billy Zane? Mr. Big or Aiden?

Don't worry you guys, I don't have this actually occurring in my life. Maybe in a few years it might, but not now. However you need to know something about me: I don't promote the image of the beta male triumphing over the alpha male. In these cases, I would definitely go with Big, Stiller, and Billy Zane (he was hot in Titanic, I don't care what Team Leo says). Why? Because I don't like guys who wail on and on that they have "feelings" and want to talk about them. I don't want to ever be in a place where I'm stuck attending couples therapy or shopping for carpeting or listening to a guy strum a guitar solo he wrote for me (unless he is Slash in which case it will be music sans the weepy lyrics). If I were in a serious relationship, I'd want the guy to be independent and afloat on his own boat. We'd check in with each other like once a week and catch-up then. Weekend relationship (well sometimes. I need to write mostly on the weekends.) is just my cup of tea. Is it distant? Yes. Is it ideal? To me, yes.

Frankly speaking, no matter what kind of relationship I ever get into, I don't want to lose or forget myself. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize I pushed all of my girlfriends aside in favor of him or for his friends. I don't want my world to revolve around a guy and definitely don't want to be dependent for anything. I really wish I didn't even have to write any of this down, but unfortunately it creeps into my life. Watching friends get married, get engaged, get into relationships, and society that scolds single people for not taking on the Noah's Ark mentality immediately. Sex and the City might have done well in attempting to make single seem sexy, but in reality nothing outside of that show changed. Disneyland still makes two people sit together on a ride and going to a wedding minus that plus one is still awkward.

This is why we need a Rat Pack. Why we need single men, silver foxes, back on the scene again. Give me your polished, tailored suits and glasses of Manhattans. Let me be charmed by your laughs and the wrinkles from the laugh lines and eyes that have seen the world. Share my love of skyscrapers, travel, the Neiman Marcus shoe department, and witty banter. Tell me stories all about your past lives and past wives. Be fluent in all types of music, from past to present, and remember that the Blackberry is not just a fruit anymore. Be the modern man!

It doesn't have to be forever. It doesn't have to be a marriage. But whatever you do, steer clear of my personal list of Dude Dealbreakers. I can't imagine you'd say any of these things to me as opposed to your younger counterparts but y'know. Just a primer.

Let's not and never say we did and luck indeed, I will be your lady tonight.

Let's go for a hike/run/camping/float trip!

Is there no one sentence that strikes my heart with more terror? I do not own clothes appropriate for any of these activities (my gym clothes consist of an old tunic blouse and leggings) and will not buy any either. Nature makes me nervous. I was that kid on the hike in grade school who when asked "are there any questions?" would immediately want to know when we'd be going back to civilization (civilization, it should be noted, was about 20 minutes away no matter what hike we were on). I don't like lathering on layers of lotion, the fact that the slightest swipe of leaves against my skin will result in a breakout, and all of the bugs. Oh. God. The. Bugs. Some of these things you can't even figure out what they are. Is it a spider or a centipede? Or both?

Float trips are even more baffling to me. We're going to sit in an inflatable boat all weekend with a couple boxes of Natty Light? That's it? Can't we do that at home where the WiFi abounds, I have a bed to sleep in, and I can still keep working? What? We can't? But why? You honestly expect me to take two days off of work to stay in an environment where I can't wash my hair properly?

Gung-ho granola guys are not my cup of iced coffee.

I don't like to read.

Strike that first comment above- this strikes the fear into my heart.

My views on this entire statement that I've heard more than once can be illustrated perfectly in this quote by John Waters, "If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!"

And also this quote as well:

"Being rich is not about how much money you have or how many homes you own; it's the freedom to buy any book you want without looking at the price and wondering if you can afford it."

Books rule my world and I could never be in a long term anything with someone who did not appreciate them.

i txt like dis. y u h8ing on my swag yo? lolz, at the gym txt it.

Ew. What is the matter with you? Did you not finish remedial English?

Can I get a glass of iced tea? Oh what's that? Yeah, I don't like to drink. No I don't have a drinking problem or anything. I just don't like to drink. I think it's toxic for my body.

I have a ton of issues with modern day business dudes picking iced tea during a meeting when they have the option to order a scotch on the rocks. When drinking with company, it is considered insulting by some if you do not partake (and are clean of any past troubles). You never have to drink enough to get drunk either. One gin and tonic will not impair your walk back to the office after. Executive meetings that feature bottled water are another issue of mine- you cannot tell me that after a long, productive morning or evening you'd rather cozy up to a bitch glass of iced tea or water. WATER. Don Draper would kick you outta your job if you refused to have an Old Fashioned with him. Granted he's fictional but that was the way it used to be and historically, the liquid lunch of ad executives has always been my favorite part of American history to explore and learn more about. I'm all for bringing it back. In moderation- initially.

Want to blaze?

Because nothing says, "Oh so mature," than sitting in some guy's basement on a dirty mattress doing a hit off of his bong and drinking Franzia from the box while watching Caddyshack.

I'm sure that the Rat Pack had a buzz going every now and then, but not all of the time. Plus do not forget: they were grown ass men in Hollywood. They had jobs and showbiz lives and strong women and charisma. Young dudes are lucky if they have at least one of these attributes to work with.

File this one under, done after college (for the more ambitious high school, but college works too).

I don't have a job.

Goddamn I can feel the haters closing in on me for writing this one. A young dude in his 20's needs to learn how to stand up, stand tall, and stand independently on his own. I applaud the young ones of the world who do it all and with a suave attitude. Though it's really hard for me to think of a contemporary example- all I've got is Mark Ronson and he's hardly super young himself.

Go out there and look. Apply. Fight for a position. Don't beta your life away in the shadow of the alpha male you could become.

Getting married is definitely a priority of mine. I'd love to have kids someday. Maybe two. Maybe with names like Jordan and Anna. Anna is my grandma's name, so yeah I want to honor her memory and whatnot. And I want a house too. Bay windows, wraparound porch, maybe a dog. I know it's the first date- I'm not freaking you out or anything?

You can't see it, but I just dug my shoe back so deeply into the cement wall that some of the back lining scraped off. It does freak me out. Just like 30-something guys don't like it when 30-something women on dates talk about how all of their friends are getting married and how they just froze their eggs, this kind of stuff makes me very, very nervous. Let's just take it one step at a time, okay? One nice, slow, very far from parental anything, step at a time.

You're sweet.

This is a weird backhanded one I get sometimes. It's creepy more often than not. I'm sweet. Yay? Is this meant to make me feel good? Or do I feel like they don't know me at all? How do they really know if I am sweet, really, truly, sweet? What if I happen to be playing that guy with like 3 dates on the side? HOW DO YOU EVER TRULY KNOW PEOPLE.

The only time I'm okay with it is when it comes from a guy who has read something I've written or worked with me. It's hard to take seriously otherwise. Knowing my personality, if some random dude worked that dealbreaker with me, I would make every effort that night to prove to him that no, I'm not sweet. I'm the exact opposite of everything that he thinks. I'm not sure who I'm trying to prove to anyone at this point anything about me- I'm just a girl who doesn't like assumptions? I have a lot of pent up anger inside? Oh the questions about my psyche are just endless. I just march to the beat of my own drum and this drummer knows her sheet music well.

Fingers crossed the world gets more real men soon.
Something bigger might come out of this post, tbd. I'm testing it as a trial run and so far am fairly pleased with the results. I'll let you know if I work out the kinks on the bigger part.

Oh, and one final Dude Dealbreaker?

"That's what she said."

Burn it. Burn it now. The Den Mother is not amused.

Love to you all,
Heather

Heather Knows Best

If there is one thing I know well, it's career and work.

Scratch that- what I meant to say is that if there’s one thing everyone thinks I know well, its career and work.

This is why I get several messages slipped into my Facebook private message system asking me to help certain individuals find jobs, why I get Tumblr messages asking me about how much money I make (yep, that actually happened), why bums on the street stop me to chat me up since I look all properly dressed and whatnot.

Working is clearly my area of expertise. It’s a famously known fact that I’ve been employed since I was 11. What few people know about this is that it was a very conscious decision on my part. I remember sitting with my parents when they asked me if I would be okay doing this, being the assistant to the local Avon lady who happened to be my Mom’s friend. They told me I didn’t have to do it and there was no obligation to do so. I didn’t have to work at the time and certainly not at that age. I could have said no. Nobody was forcing me to go out every weekend and haul boxes up and down the stairs of residential neighborhoods or make change for $100 bills or take checks or bag the Avon books with the sample products.

Nobody but me. I knew at that very moment it was time to begin working, hop on board the train towards Career, that elusive constellation in my future. And so I did it. I agreed and worked as her assistant for 3 years. Then I took 2 years off, at age 14, to pursue high school and being a student before jumping back on the work train with two jobs that I would simultaneously juggle for the next 4 years. Which would be followed by another series of jobs, juggling act commencing once more until I got to the position I have now. All of this time in my life was a series of blood, sweat, and tears- both literally and figuratively.

There is an absolutely wonderful quote from none other than Lady Gaga in regards to career that if I were still in high school would have probably replaced the Yves Saint-Laurent quote I used in my senior year for the yearbook.

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

Gaga gets it.

My work is never going to leave me because it is me. I carry it with me wherever I go and it faithfully follows, guiding me down the roads I need to be on. When I started working full time, I began to slowly sign away my personal life because now I had my work life. If you know me very well, you'll know I haven't fully gotten rid of my personal life but that the line between it and my work life these days is beginning to rapidly close, with career triumphantly winning. Work fulfills me in more ways than I could ever possibly imagine. I felt very alive when I am working, especially when writing which is what I am so lucky to be doing right now. I'm addicted to working. I rarely take days off. Vacations are an art form that is lost on me. I enjoy it for about a day and then I start thinking too much about what I need to be doing. I don't understand how people can go on vacations for upward to 10 days without chewing their hands off.

This all being said, I have some words of wisdom for the Class of 2011. Beyond just this class, these words apply to a broad range of graduates in general. I can't imagine these words will be too popular with everyone because I won't sugar coat it for you. I'm optimistic, yes, but I am a realist above all things. Nobody in my life held my hand when it came to growing up so I refuse to hold yours too. Does it hurt yet? You have to learn how to grip your own hand tight if you ever want to be fully independent and stand on your own two feet.

Life after college, for the vast majority of you, is going to fucking suck. Particularly for the group of you paying your own student loan bills. And rent. And car insurance. And maybe stuck in credit card debt. Basically, you're going to watch the little amount of savings you had go up in smoke and after that occurs, you're going to have to build your own version of Rome. It will not happen in a day and will require you to do a little something feared by many a Daddy's Girl and Mama's Boy: WORK.

The biggest piece of advice to benefit you right now?

Get your head out of your ass.

Consider this your Golden Rule.

There is a hideous problem recurring with so many young adults I know (and read about) today. Especially those who attended private universities. They don't like to look for work. They're lazy. Many of them have had the very unique and enviable position of being able to ride on their parents' coattails financially. Some have had vanity internships that undoubtedly their parents helped procure with money exchanging hands. Others are already settling down to get married, which is fine in normal "we've been together for 2+ years" circumstances but fucking insane for those who have only been dating their significant other for 7 months or less. An overwhelming amount of people I've read about have extremely low self-esteem and constantly need to be reaffirmed that they are "SPECIAL! UNIQUE!" over 'n over. A good chunk of these people still don't know what they want to do yet. An even better chunk of them still believe they can be a writer or baker or lawyer or astronaut not because they studied in that field but because "mommy said you were good at that."

The most absolutely infuriating and horrifying part I've witnessed is that virtually each and every single person I've seen graduate with little to no prior job experience in their field has become enraged that they aren't getting the exact dream job they fantasized about in said field (say, since they were a 10 year old boy in their bed...) with an $80,000 a year salary to go with it.

Remember the Golden Rule: Get your head out of your ass. I know. It's safe there and your farts smell positive and reaffirming. But after awhile, when you hit 25 and still aren't working anywhere and your parents are still helping you make car payments and student loan payments every month, the shit is going to hit the fan or in your case, your face.

Follow these additional rules in looking for and getting a job:

1) Your Dream Job Has Expired

Dream it, you can be it!

Kind of not really though.

Your dream job has undoubtedly changed some since you first conceived it. When I was very little, my dream was to become an artist. This was all based off of the fact that I drew the following three things exceptionally well:

a) a train

b) a nativity scene with a baby Jesus that looked suspiciously like a loaf of bread

c) Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson

I scrapped the dream in favor of writing when I discovered I had more of a knack for producing consistently good sentences that made sense and entertained at the same time. My writing over the years has changed considerably; I will not write my depressing poetry from my semi-Goth phase anymore, for starters. A lot of it changed when I started to read books written by comedic writers. After 10+ years of reading hideously boring textbooks, I was determined to bring about great writing that teaches you something but remains interesting to read. I have my good days writing and my rip my hair out days. It's a nice balance that way.

Your dream job is collapsing. Getting it today means stiff competition against your peers and out-of-work job applicants that have a decade of work experience on you. The dream job you may have had as a child is probably already staffed by now and depending on the shelf life of the position (like beeper salesman) it might have already expired.

This means you need to have a plan B, a solid back-up occupation. Something you might consider doing that you didn't think you would do. For example, while I majored in journalism, I knew I would never become a reporter for a news station. My lisp would do me in. I stuck with writing and delved further into advertising after being inspired by both former CEO's of ad agencies that I had the pleasure of knowing and yes, copious episodes of Mad Men. Though my old job was soured by terrible upper management, I enjoyed being a copywriter very much and still have a great flair for writing descriptions on companies.

Social media on the other hand was always something I did quietly on the side and never considered pursuing as my career. It's funny to me that I didn't try to look into it sooner. I love blogging and Tweeting and reblogging with my Tumblr. When I received the opportunity to do it as a career, I remember thinking well this feels all too natural...why didn't I try working with this sooner???

As you can see, in the vast field of communications, I knew what I would work well with and played up those strengths and went from there. I also understood what I could not do and steered clear of it. This isn't advice everyone follows, because a lot of people still think they can pursue that childhood dream past its expiration date. If you can't do it, if you can't put the effort and time into it, and if it doesn't feel natural, don't do it. Don't be the artist relying on your 3 drawings to make it into the big leagues. Not gonna happen.

2) Handle Rejection Well

Love hurts and scars and so does rejection. If you've already been on the job hunt, you'll feel the sting for a long time. It might come back to you in the form of a standard mass-emailed letter or it might be a personal letter from a CEO explaining why you weren't fit for the job. You'll hate it so much and it might drive resentment into you to slow down the search for the time being.

Personal story time! When I was applying for jobs out of college, I applied for a position doing executive assistant work for a real estate company in Santa Barbara. The owner personally emailed me back, citing his issue with the fact that I had named my blog URL, "thevodkaasylum" and that it wasn't the image I wanted to give off to potential employers. Initially, I was offended. He didn't know why I named it that and didn't know anything about me. I was upset but the lesson stuck- I changed the name to "loveliesteyes" to match my Tumblr and have yet to receive a single complaint since. (On another note, his email contained a bunch of spelling errors- which I noted when I emailed him back, thanking him for his concern with my blog.)

Another story was a little something I read from the blog of Lauren Berger, The Intern Queen. One of her applicants wrote in a little gem about how her dream job is to be the assistant to Ellen DeGeneres. In the piece, the aspiring gofer mentions that, "Although tweeting Ellen D. daily has not paid off thus far..."

You Tweet her daily? For a position that will undoubtedly just have you filling her crisper drawer with fresh tomatoes and kiwi or picking up some scarves for Portia at Hermes? You and everyone else, sister. Aim a little lower next time- Ellen gets A LOT of retweeting and Tweets in general. She won't have the time to notice you above the crowd if all you're doing is Tweeting to get ahead and spending all of your time on one person.

Work with rejection by asking, if you're in the position to, what it is that you did wrong when applying for the position. I've seen everything from poorly written cover letters, sparse resumes and too-long resumes, even font sizes. Also a disturbing trend of entry-level individuals applying for senior positions that they don't have any qualifications for beyond the degree.

Follow the Golden Rule, kiddos.

3) Apply Everywhere

I got an email from a girl saying she applied to 10-12 positions a week.

I saw a Facebook status update from a friend who applied to 8 jobs in one day.

One of my Facebook friends wrote on his status that he was looking for a job and if anyone knew anywhere for him to work, out of his 1086 friends, to send that position his way.

Do these look like the actions of people who have applied everywhere?

When I was first looking for jobs, I started slow like this. Got zero response. Upped the ante, staying awake well into the burning the midnight oil hours. Would apply to 20+ positions a day, behavior I did on a very close to daily basis. I used to cry from how tired I was of sending out my resume, again and again, but my determination stopped the tears short. For every place of the 20+ I would apply to, I would probably hear back from 3 in return. Maximum.

It's terrible out there and hard, hard, hard. Don't let it get you down though. Keep plugging, keep going, and don't limit yourself. Nobody is above any sort of work despite what the caste system might have taught us. If you're going to be rebuilding Rome, it might need to start slow. Or maybe you need to look at it from a different angle. Positions you apply to might turn into something else, depending on how qualified you are.

Just don't rely on your 1086 Facebook friends to find you a job. That kind of laziness ain't flyin' with me.

4) Don't Wait For The World To Find You

Do you love writing? Photography? Art? Making jewelry?

There are a million websites that understand your love and offer great ways to showcase it. So get on it! Create an online portfolio of your work- even if it starts off crappy. It will improve with time, the more you keep up with it. The emotional growth of my own blog is ridiculous. I'm not the same kind of girl I was when I first started writing here. One of my first entries was about how I bid on and won a wedding dress from eBay as a dare. I look back and clap my hand to my head, Oh Heather! The back of yo' head is ridikulous.

Even though I've grown since then, I remember the kind of girl who wrote that post. She was proud of it enough to share it with the interwebz and was also a girl who was game to try anything once. She also just started blogging and didn't have a clue what she was doing and that this kind of post might not be the best one to start off with, but that's okay because she was learning. Portfolios showcase our growth, how we begin to strengthen our work over time. You can sit there and tell me how you think you're a great writer because "my Mom told me so!" but until I've got some URL evidence to support it, I'm not sold. And neither are future employers.

The world won't look for you- you have to look for it. Just like job hunting, it won't be easy. Start building a portfolio though and watch everything slowly fall into place. Your portfolio of work is going to be your golden ticket to getting what you want, how you want it. Your portfolio is your work which will lead you to your career.

Don't wait on it. Grab that Career constellation with all of your might!

Love to you all (from she who knows best),
Heather