High School Crush Deja Vu

Initially this post was going to be heavier in content because lately life has turned into a fork in the road with me wondering which side to choose. But I'm getting a bit tired of writing about my twenty-something panic attacks over decision-making moments, especially since I've been having these moments for almost 10 years now (The first one was when I was 13 and had one of the biggest identity crisis's you can imagine in which I did not know anything about myself anymore and had to start fresh. Plus, I was incredibly angry at just about everything and everyone and entering my Goth phase. Yep, gotta love puberty.)

Onward to a lighthearted post!
We'll call this one: "The Sudden Realization That I Dated a Guy Who Looked Like My Old TV Crush."



When I was 16, getting home by 4:30 in the afternoon was critical for me. This was before I had two jobs and did way too many extracurricular activities. A simpler time where I was just a girl who enjoyed having a stack of Oreos and settling into the couch to watch one of my favorite programs, The Tribe.

The Tribe, a New Zealand TV series that aired on a network called Wam!, was about a post-apocalyptic society ruled by teenagers. A few years prior, a deadly virus spread through the city, wiping out most of the adult population who sent their children away to a virus-free place to live. It sounds like a lame premise for a show, and in the wrong hands, it could have very well turned into something starring camera-friendly almost 30 year olds attempting to portray 16-19 year olds, in designer threads. However, it stayed very much realistic to the idea of what this sort of future would look like. The biggest concerns were getting water, food, and electricity. Survival was key and outside "tribes" threatened this way of life. You knew which tribe was which by the way each group dressed and decorated their faces. And you know, there were relationship issues tossed in there too to liven it up. It was fairly normal to lose boyfriends and girlfriends and become attracted to others and get pregnant and occasionally, someone would die which is true to life.

The series had been on the air for 4 years and at the time I started watching it, it was heading into its 5th and final season. Of course, my real motivation for watching this show had nothing to do with the plot. I was in it for the enormous surplus of attractive guys littering this show.

The nice thing about The Tribe was that it contained a TON of characters with new ones added every season. There were about 8 or more revolving plot lines at any given moment, most of which featured guys with Kiwi accents. And you wonder why I literally ran to my house after school was over to watch this show.

Current state of dress at 16: black, black, some red, and more black.
Current state of mind at 16: scowling, angry, living in this idea that I knew more than most people, particularly my parents.

Naturally, I was only going to be attracted to a character that embodied these traits...



Ahh, my crush on Ram, the leader of the Technos tribe. He was brilliant, but ruthless, germaphobic, and a manipulative asshole all rolled into one dictator package. Oh, and a polygamist with 3 wives. Gotta love the little red hair horn spikes too.



Ram was fairly divorced from reality. He spent the majority of his time tucked away into a little virtual universe he created for himself online which was made to fit his taste in everything he liked. Of course, throughout the series, this virtual world falls apart and Ram learns how to make friends, and become a better person.



So I had a big crush on him. On the actor Tom Hern who played Ram to be specific. I'm what you might call "special" when it comes to liking guys. For every Ralph Fiennes or Robert Downey Jr. I wind up getting hearts in my eyes over, there's a Mickey Rourke right behind them. This is why I have an enormously difficult time describing my "type" to people. Namely because I don't think I really have one. When I like a guy, there's no telling just what I will like in them. No way of knowing really. *shrugs shoulders*

Come to think of it, I made some collages of Ram/Tom Hern back in the day. Basically, when I was younger and liked celebrities I made collages of them and taped them on the back of my bedroom door (or ceiling...). I still make collages today, but they're mostly of clothing with the majority of these images finding their way to my Tumblr.

The Tribe ends its run and I forget about Tom Hern until one Saturday morning 2 years later when I pretty much spit out my cereal during the Power Rangers opening credits. His name was in it! Wonderful 30 minute watching ensued for the next couple of Saturdays.

By the way, let's have that image sink in. I'm 18, watching Power Rangers for a hot guy, and eating Peanut Butter Cap 'n Crunch on Saturday morning while the majority of people in my senior year high school class are still hungover from the previous evening. I'm regressing back to childhood each day it seems.

4 years pass and I'd more or less forgotten about Mr. Hern in favor of other men. For whatever reason, I looked the show up on YouTube after graduating and was delighted to find every episode on it! Huzzah! I settle in and begin watching.



...

It dawns on me midway through that Tom Hern looks very familiar to a guy I knew. I wrack my mind trying to place the faces. Who? Who is it?

Oh dear God. He looks just like "S", a guy I briefly dated in December.

"S" was this guy I wound up picking up at the club Sunset. He was nice. The trouble was that he was very handsome if you had been hitting the bottle (or martini glass) for awhile. Once that wore off, he was...alright looking. Cute(ish), but I preferred the cute(r) version my drunken brain cells had of him.

Naturally, this went south before any relationship had the time to take place. I was still hung-up over "R" (the infamous ex), and not motivated to be anyone's girlfriend which to his credit, "S" respected and didn't push me to be with him.

I can't believe it took me that long to realize that "S" and Tom Hern looked alarmingly similar. Some girls dream of dating or being with guys that look like their TV crushes. When it actually happens, it's strange. Nothing plays out the way you envisioned it would in your head.

This led me to vow never to date my fictional TV character's real-life doppelganger.

Unless it's a Don Draper/Jon Hamm lookalike. Then that reasoning and logic doesn't matter.

Love to you all,
Heather

Eye Like It (So Much)

As a former four eyes, I distinctly recall my decision to go contacts. It was the summer before my junior year of high school where I was scheduled to take a chemistry class. This class required goggles.
I did not want to be a four eyes on top of a four eyes so I adapted to plastic (the future, according to The Graduate). Good choice for the time but all the ladies and gents rocking the glass, I am pro that all the way.


From the spread by Lula magazine on why guys should make passes at girls who wear glasses.



Working tomorrow, writing a little, waiting on some mail to arrive and watching some crappy TV as well. I'm ashamed to say that there is a tiny part of me that is truly enjoying Daisy of Love on VH1.
I am missing all my summers of the past though when I used to stay up watching completely godawful but really fun movies on Showtime Beyond though. It was a channel on Showtime that specialized in showing horror/suspense films with the occasional anime cartoon tossed in the mix. It was where I caught many Roger Corman movies, my first Klaus Kinski film (Crawlspace) and Pinocchio's Revenge (it is exactly how it sounds).
But sadly enough, that is all just a fleeting memory in my head. One that I dream about now more than ever and while I do love my life now, I grasp harder for the past.
If I start watching The Hills, do not hesitate to slap me silly.
;)

Love to you all,
Heather

I'm Pretty Inexpensive, Some Say I'm Free, Maybe Yes, Maybe No, Maybe You Should Know...

Only a week till the big one; a long anticipated, greatly needed, and highly coveted summer!

SUMMER!!!

My room is barren right now, it's kind of sad. I've liked living here. I'm alarmed to see that the number of boxes to store things has doubled. When did that happen again?

I'm escaping Facebook for awhile too. I wrote a letter to my 31 year old self saying that I would and I'm going to make good on that until fall, when classes will kind of make me do it again. Plus I really don't give a shit about most people's status updates unless they're close friends of mine or are really funny...which is about 20 people at the most.

I'm in need of simpler times, you know? People are way too stuck on themselves...simple times.


500 DAYS OF SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 17th, will you get here now? Let's zip into a time machine and pop on over to that day when I'm all nestled in Muvico, getting ready to watch the movie I am most excited about this summer.

Runner ups include Whatever Works and Public Enemies.

If you haven't watched a trailer, do it pronto! It will make your entire day better, I swear.



Love to you all,
Heather

Of Girlfriends and 500 Days, The Best Abandoned Building Ever and Sleeping in Cylinders

There is nothing quite like a good time with your closest girlfriends. You only have to get to the laughing point. From there on, you can say anything and they will laugh with you. Raise your eyebrows and they get it.
I love the girls in my life. There are many of them and they are all glitter like you would not believe.


We're getting closer to that time of season....


This is the best abandoned building ever.
Once upon a time, in the heart of Clayton was a bookstore named Library Limited. It was two stories of magic. Stairwells and author signings all the time, a bar, and goldfish swimming in ponds outside of the children's section, designed to look like a castle. Where a young Miss Heather (a VLG at the time) would ride with her Daddy in their car with the top down and would stay reading for hours until the store closed at midnight.
Before the internet was around, before cell phones, before texting, before technology was so dominant.
Then one day something happened. Young Miss Heather was 15. She got older and with that age, came her stupid rage at everything. Library Limited went out of business and no bookstore in the world could ever be a better subsitute, not even the Borders in Brentwood.
For her senior movie, Heather and her Daddy would go back to Clayton and to the Library Limited. She wanted to film it and went inside where construction men were whitewashing the walls and it was all empty and book less.
Heather wanted to scream when she was in there but did not. Instead she talked about what the abandoned bookstore meant to her for three and a half minutes on the camera.
It was my forever treasure.


When I was a kid, I wanted to run away from home to the nearby park Francis. There I would sleep in the slide which would protect me from cold winds and rain. There is something about sleeping in a cylinder that has always looked incredibly appealing to me.

Listening to:
-Madonna Hollywood
-The Crystal Method London
-Wang Chung Dance Hall Days

Love to you all,
Heather

Death of the Memories

My memory is terrible. I'm glad I write these little posts but I bet you anything that one day, I'm not going to remember these.
I'm working on my paper for Comm and one of the paragraphs is about my senior year of high school. I remember approximately four classes. I can't remember the rest of my schedule. I don't remember the room numbers or even half the rooms I was in. I have a vague idea of where my locker was.
Here's what I do remember...the green room at the theater, the handbag I carried, the cover of my assignment book, a handful of people at best, Finnegan's beard, getting a criticism on a paper I wrote, curly fries, and the invasion of the blazers.
See, it's not so bad. Just fuzzy in some parts. Blurry in others. "Scene Missing" in many.
If high school had been this amazing time in my life, I would be disappointed. But it wasn't. School has never been an amazing time for me. It's always been something I had to accomplish to get to the next space on the game of life board. Right now, it's very good but talk to me next year when senioritis strikes again.
The really bad thing is lately I've been forgetting the past as well as the present. I've been zoning in and out of speeches/conversations like crazy. Even when I'm talking, I'm not listening to myself. I'm stepping outside of myself and watching from a distance. Even then I forget to watch myself.
It's extremely bizarre. Don't think I'm not aware of that.
For a short while now, I've been looking at myself as a person and wondering What are you doing? Everyday I have at least ten thousand things to do, filling my days and nights up full until we get to The End, the sleeping point.
Everyday I look at these ten thousand things and know they are unavoidable. They are my life. They have to be done.
In some cases, I just go through the motions which makes me feel robotic and dull. I don't get a whole lot of free time which frustrates me and makes me happy in an odd way. Sometimes I don't like to go out because I have to perform. Gotta be on, all the time. Most of the time, I love being with my stories and the words. It appears lonely to some but I am never lonely. Agatha Christie had people in her head that she visited when she was bored. Likewise for me.
So...what am I doing?
I don't know. And even the most put-together on track person in the world probably has no idea what they're doing either.

Love to you all,
Heather

2AM Deep Thoughts

Taking a break from homework to type out some thoughts.

Question: Would it be bad form to e-mail my religion professor at this hour?
I'm going with yes but only because most everyone is asleep or heading there right now. Not a whole lot of people consider 2am to be their peak hour work time. I do, working on my script with some Thomas Newman playing in the background.

The homework is threatening to overpower me, the FAFSA sits quietly half-filled on my hard drive. My days are littered with so much to do that even though I secretly love to complain about it, I've been having a couple of days where I'm ready to start bringing a mini white flag to class and waving it.

There are so many deadlines coming up. Some are more intermediate like papers and scripts due for class and the FAFSA on Wednesday. Others are graduation which is a little over a year away. Then there are the "life goals" like having a career and a family and things like that to fulfill within a certain frame of years.

I don't know what will happen to me when I graduate. I assume that a year from now I will be a different girl and will have an answer or two about this. And to that end, I can't sit here in the present and say, "Well I'm going to live in Paris for a year" or "I know I'm definitely not going home, that's for sure."

My future has no definite clear answer. It isn't for me to try to make one up here and stick with it. I have some goals for the future and ideals for how I would like it to turn out but I know better now. I'm going to be as open to different situations as possible because it's how we grow as people. By not having a definite plan, there is room for spontaneity. I've always said "I have a plan" or "I'll find a way."

So many people around me and strangers on the street are obsessed with becoming famous. They are so into "me, me, me" and trampling on others to get to the top. I get so frustrated at their behavior sometimes. It's very selfish and egotistical. And this is coming from a girl who used to be extremely selfish growing up and for a long time, was pretty unhappy.

I feel different now. Older with some wisdom. The only thing left is to keep traveling, see more people, hear what they have to say.
And get off that damn Facebook. I can't tell my brother's future children that I remember Superpoking someone for three weeks straight as part of my college experience.
Just an example.

Love to you all,
Heather

Mindblowing (In More Ways Than One)

It's often true that the moment we stop thinking about someone, they come back into our lives and we are reminded of how much we liked them. Last night I had a dream about when I used to work at Bread Co. and in this particular dream, I was there with all of my favorite coworkers and friends and just kind of drifting through. It was raining outside and I was standing out there, watching my friends leave and old ones enter.
I woke up and went to Starbucks where I saw the last person on earth I could have ever expected to see there. Michael, the guy I met at my service project. The one that I spent countless Nonfiction classes discussing and giggling over. The 43 year old New Jersey-ian. As I referred him as "the lust object" in all of my papers, I was happily surprised to see him again (he looked more beautiful than ever) and he was just as equally glad to see me. He mentioned something about living down the street from that Starbucks but as usual, I was struck dumb by his burning hotness and did not ask for his number (bad move).
Goddamn, what a man.


This is the dress that I bought for my friend Amy's 21st birthday on Monday. I bought it in part for her birthday, the simplistic style of the dress, and also because this guy Josh I have a crush on is going to be there. Here's to a happy night of drinking!

How can anybody look at these shoes and not nearly pass out on sight? They are just as gorgeous (slightly less red) in person and are going with the dress. This boy is not going to know what hit him.

This book is changing my life. It's about a guy named Tucker and his drunken adventures. It is laugh out loud hilarious and I have on more than one occasion cracked up while reading it (in Starbucks, in my room with Amy, etc). I'm reading it very slowly because I plan on finishing it while in class and laughing to the point where I start crying on my desk (it's happened before). While I have some friends whose own alcoholic stories are wild (I even have a couple that are dirty are sin) they are lightyears away from this guy. This is exactly the kind of drunk I love, the kind that I aspire to be. Some of my friends have already predicted that on my wedding day, I'll be stumbling to the altar and completely wasted at the reception.

No shit. Alcohol would be the only way I would be able to tolerate the concept of marriage at all.

Listening to:

-David Guetta Delirious

-Deadmau5 feat. Kaskade I Remember

-IIO Kiss You

Love to you all,

Heather