Returning

Dearest readers and my fellow bloggers,

I'm back. Again.

This month has not been particularly good for me. A series of events from a few weeks ago sparked a domino effect with one thing falling into the other and leaving me barely standing at the end of it all. There was one week a couple of weeks ago that I cried for an entire week straight for many reasons. Some of it had to do with the fact that my desk at work was placed into a separate corner to be solitary and apart from everyone else (with vague reasons for doing so that even now I suspect highly). Other reasons were that I missed my family and really wished I could have gone home to see them for Thanksgiving. That I got yelled at by one of my roommates over a misunderstanding. That my unpaid student loan bills finally caught up to me in the worst way. The fact that I was PMSing at a disturbingly long stretch of time.

Most of it had to do with a boy (see below entry for further true-life scenario explanation). Once I blogged it out, it was as though my entire self shut down for some time. Writing is my best cure for when I'm hurt, but this time, the writing took everything I had and left me empty with nothing left of substance to say. Oh, I could have blogged something else, talked about a dress I liked or a musician who caught my ear, but it wouldn't have been from the heart. It would have been filler which isn't what I want to see represented on this site. If I'm going to sit and write, it's going to mean something or say something about me.

The important revelation that came from that night was that I watched my fantasies of getting back together with him die. All of them. I watched the dreams I secretly had, some of which included running away together to another country, living penniless but happily in a tiny apartment together, and yes, even the very small vision I had that one day we could be married, I saw these dreams fall away one by one. They were replaced by reality, one in which I saw we were on two different planes, going in two separate directions, despite living in close proximity to one another.

Watching these kinds of dreams disappear is not fun. I cried a lot when I got home that evening and even more when my roommate got home a little while later. Out of anyone in my life, she's known what I went through with this boy and was there at the very eventual end. I feel very blessed to have her in my life. If I had to be alone during this, it would have been much harder to return to my everyday life.

Another reason for all of the tears was because I rarely cry. When I was in college and felt so sad I thought my heart would burst, I would go sit on the football bleachers in the cool night breeze and let it out there. Or I would go to this public bathroom at the end of my dorm hall that nobody ever frequented and sob in the stall. I don't like to cry in front of other people because to me, it feels like I'm losing the upper hand and can't control the aspects of my life the way everyone expects me to. I've had expectations mounted on me since I was born and the feeling of disappointing someone, of not being the person they can depend on is one of the worst feelings in the world for me.

Like how I've been so neglectful of everyone's blogs. This is one of those things I know I need to do that I kept stepping around and just not doing for so long. I've been retreating into my Tumblr for some time now. It's been restful there and after a long day at work, a bit easier to work with. But I've missed this blog and your blogs very much and so here we are.

It won't be immediate and it won't happen overnight, but I'm slowly going to read through backed-up blog entries on my Google reader while writing on a more consistent basis here. Sometimes, when one is lacking glitter and spark in their life, they just have to place it there themselves and create some more happiness. I've done it many, many times before and will continue to, even if I'm feeling lazy and unproductive.

With all entries being from the heart, of course.

Love to you all, (you wonderful all)
Heather

When You Come Undone

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness..."
-Allen Ginsberg

Once upon a time there was a girl. There was a boy. They had a history together.

They see each other for the first time in months last night. The girl has been wondering, pondering this moment for some time. She sees in her mind's eye the idea of how beautiful this reunion could be. Then she takes these carefully deeply seeded dreams and torches them to protect herself. To end the expectations. Every single last image burns into a thin layer of soot and she wipes her slate clean.

He calls her name. She turns her back away from him. She won't dare look at him until she has to. When she turns, he is older, brittle and worn down by time. She touches his face. "We're meeting halfway." Could he even know where that line came from, that she sees it running through her ears and blooming all around her? She did not dress up as she used to with him. A thin wall of glass is beginning to form and while delicate, it is resilient and tough. It is her shield.

They speak of nothing and learn nothing of one another they didn't already know. He hugs her goodbye and she touches his hand gently before moving away. If it's for the last time. She walks away to go to the next destination. The glittering stars in the sky scornfully stare down at her, part of the plan with the gods to never answer her wishes. Never is forever.

Tonight the gods have other plans in mind. They take the girl's ship and the boy's ship and through the heavy current of the navy seas, navigate them to collide into one another. It's a quiet collision, with the wreckage being that only she can feel. They see one another across that restaurant. He will not look at her. The glass wall grows taller.

She flits about the room, unable to stay put, talking to everyone as he stands still. She shines through her modesty, through conversation, through laughter brilliant as a myriad of twinkling lights illuminating a chandelier. There is nothing wrong. The glass drops with everyone and rises, thicker and fuller when she is around him. There is nothing wrong.

He does not speak unless spoken to first. She asks him questions, he asks her some. He is drained. Anyone can tell by looking at him. There is something cold and crystallized in his eyes. For as much as she tries to look into them and pull him out, it won't happen. And she knows this for the first time, completely on her own. The gods are moving their ships together this night, but only this night. Every other night after will be their own sail on their own uncharted destinations. Maybe they will collide again but it is not likely anymore. Where he plans to go, she plans to leave before he has a chance to be there. She longs to be beyond the sea and she will go there.

The glass wall expands between them. There is so much time lost. She used to break down these walls, but today, tonight, tomorrow, and every moment after that, she won't. He must break them down if he sees them built, if he wants this ending to become a beginning. But he won't. She can see it in his eyes. It's the only thing she can see in him anymore.

Alone in her room, she sobs herself to sleep.

Love to you all,
Heather