Friday, November 26, 2010

Returning



Dearest readers and my fellow bloggers,

I'm back. Again.

This month has not been particularly good for me. A series of events from a few weeks ago sparked a domino effect with one thing falling into the other and leaving me barely standing at the end of it all. There was one week a couple of weeks ago that I cried for an entire week straight for many reasons. Some of it had to do with the fact that my desk at work was placed into a separate corner to be solitary and apart from everyone else (with vague reasons for doing so that even now I suspect highly). Other reasons were that I missed my family and really wished I could have gone home to see them for Thanksgiving. That I got yelled at by one of my roommates over a misunderstanding. That my unpaid student loan bills finally caught up to me in the worst way. The fact that I was PMSing at a disturbingly long stretch of time.

Most of it had to do with a boy (see below entry for further true-life scenario explanation). Once I blogged it out, it was as though my entire self shut down for some time. Writing is my best cure for when I'm hurt, but this time, the writing took everything I had and left me empty with nothing left of substance to say. Oh, I could have blogged something else, talked about a dress I liked or a musician who caught my ear, but it wouldn't have been from the heart. It would have been filler which isn't what I want to see represented on this site. If I'm going to sit and write, it's going to mean something or say something about me.

The important revelation that came from that night was that I watched my fantasies of getting back together with him die. All of them. I watched the dreams I secretly had, some of which included running away together to another country, living penniless but happily in a tiny apartment together, and yes, even the very small vision I had that one day we could be married, I saw these dreams fall away one by one. They were replaced by reality, one in which I saw we were on two different planes, going in two separate directions, despite living in close proximity to one another.

Watching these kinds of dreams disappear is not fun. I cried a lot when I got home that evening and even more when my roommate got home a little while later. Out of anyone in my life, she's known what I went through with this boy and was there at the very eventual end. I feel very blessed to have her in my life. If I had to be alone during this, it would have been much harder to return to my everyday life.

Another reason for all of the tears was because I rarely cry. When I was in college and felt so sad I thought my heart would burst, I would go sit on the football bleachers in the cool night breeze and let it out there. Or I would go to this public bathroom at the end of my dorm hall that nobody ever frequented and sob in the stall. I don't like to cry in front of other people because to me, it feels like I'm losing the upper hand and can't control the aspects of my life the way everyone expects me to. I've had expectations mounted on me since I was born and the feeling of disappointing someone, of not being the person they can depend on is one of the worst feelings in the world for me.

Like how I've been so neglectful of everyone's blogs. This is one of those things I know I need to do that I kept stepping around and just not doing for so long. I've been retreating into my Tumblr for some time now. It's been restful there and after a long day at work, a bit easier to work with. But I've missed this blog and your blogs very much and so here we are.

It won't be immediate and it won't happen overnight, but I'm slowly going to read through backed-up blog entries on my Google reader while writing on a more consistent basis here. Sometimes, when one is lacking glitter and spark in their life, they just have to place it there themselves and create some more happiness. I've done it many, many times before and will continue to, even if I'm feeling lazy and unproductive.

With all entries being from the heart, of course.

Love to you all, (you wonderful all)
Heather

12 comments:

Andrew Green said...

Hey, welcome back....
Life should always take priority over blogging.

I'm sorry to hear it's been a rough couple of weeks for you. We all go through that heartbreaking break up at one point or another. I know how it feels.

Some Style... said...

hej sweets! glad to see you back! and i so feel for you and been there...sometimes lifes a B%$§%! ;)

but I always love to think and mostly it true..hehe..that from something bad always turns sometime better out even! so thinking of you..all the best wishes! be strong and good will happen! believe in yourself and stay true!

xoxo

Cam

http://some-kind-of-style.blogspot.com/

The Zhush said...

Good to have you back Heather. It sounds like your heart and your mind are slowly healing. One day you will look back on this difficult time in your life and realize that you are a stronger person for it.
xx

Lydia Kang said...

Don't worry too much about the blogs. What's more important is that you take care of yourself. It's so painful to go through what you've gone through. I hope that there are better times coming for you (I think they are coming soon!).
Take care. The lows can only be followed by things that are more positive than this.
Hugs,
Lydia

JoJo said...

I'm sorry things have been so rough right now. I've been there and as cliche as it sounds these bumps makes make us that much stronger and one day you'll be able to look back at this and just laugh it off. Time time time. It's all about time. It heals all. Promise. Stay strong girl and welcome back!

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Glad to hear you are back dear and sorry to hear about the boy. I know it doesn't make sense now. But every day gets slightly easier and you'll look back and realize it wasn't right for you. The guy is out there for you and you'll find him eventually!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I am very glad to see you back. You are one of my favorite bloggers. I figured with your new job, you were just incredibly busy. I'm sorry to hear about all the troubles that have come your way, though. :(

It breaks my heart to know you have been in such pain. Everything bad seems to happen at once, doesn't it? This year has been shitty for me too.

I know it's not easy, but I hope your heart is on its way to mending. You deserve happiness and love. You will have it one day, it just takes a little time. Hang in there. E-mail me if you need to talk. xoxo

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drollgirl said...

oh girl. hang in there. crying helps -- it really does. i like to think that tears are poison inside of us that we just have to release, otherwise we cannot heal.

it is hard to get over a man. i have spent the last year crying over one, and it has gotten me nowhere. i think i have finally FINALLY realized that we are not going to get back together, and i need to find another. it is hard, but there are not many options but to go through the pain and make your way to something that is hopefully better.

Phoenix said...

First of all: welcome back, hon. I missed you! And I was worried when I read your last post. I had a feeling it had to do with real life, and I wanted so badly just to hug you.

Secondly, I am totally a bathroom crier too. All through college, I would find bathroom after bathroom to sob into. I've gotten really good at bathroom crying, but I've also let a small, trustworthy, kickass group of people see me cry, and it's nice to be held and not leaning against cold tile or blowing my nose with toilet paper.

Finally - don't put so much pressure on yourself to visit every blog and leave comments on all of the posts. Just do what you can do, and people will appreciate that. You don't have to be perfect.

I'm sorry that you went through a bad breakup, and I hope it gets better. Let me know if there's anything any of us can do. ::hugs::

Bathwater said...

I sorry reality has hit you so hard, these things will pass and will make you stronger.

natalie said...

First off, welcome back to the blogosphere! It has certainly missed your absence, though after reading all of the tough times you've been through as of late I'm sure no one can blame you. I'm not experienced with relationships at all, but I do understand how much it can hurt. And how much you can want to just have a good hard cry and let it all out. I really hope that, you know, with this year coming to a close, the next is prepared to send wonderful things your way! And I agree with others before me, don't worry too much about catching up with every single blog! People are just glad to see you back regardless. :)