Monday, April 12, 2010

The Sky is Falling

Getting back into the routine after visiting SF was difficult. For starters, when I got back on that Friday afternoon (after an absolutely nightmarish plane ride that I suffered from jet lag for two days after), I felt resentful to be in TO again. So small, so quiet, having to walk for fifteen minutes just to get to the Rite Aid alone.

It did not occur to me just how much SF woke me up inside. TO is beautiful and silent, like some art gallery that nobody updated for fifty years. SF is brimming with colors and bodies and crushing, exuberant LIFE. A life in the city that, despite the occasional upset, is the life I am used to but forgot about once I moved.

Here in TO, I'm a big fish in a tiny pond. A fish who has done her laps and is head of the school, but tired of making the same rounds. In SF, I was a random fish in an ocean of sea creatures. My name mattered to no one unless I made it matter.

All of my dormant drive revived again. Swim little fishie swim!

While I can't move for at least another month, I can still wander about the campus in an iPod induced daze, letting my playlist be my soundtrack.

Today, in this perfect little bubble, with its perfect trees, blue skies of fluffy clouds, and soft breeze, I envisioned this all ending. The scenery around me falling down. The set changing. When it turns out the trees and the bleachers and the buildings are just flimsy pieces of cardboard. You can push it down and stand in a field of empty.

Then you want to push the sky down because it is so perfect and then the sky is falling too. What surrounds you then?

I feel like even in the silence, even in the nothing, I will never be alone.

One of my new favorite songs is Massive Attack's "Live With Me", a very haunting, stirring piece of lyrics and violins. The lyrics mention at one point:

Either way/Win or Lose/When you're born into trouble/You live the blues.

These words and this whole song make me feel like I'm on a train. I'm speeding away from everyone and everything that I love, but hurtling into something unknown and exciting. A crescent of light hits my hair in this train and I feel physical warmth as well as mental warmth from my memories.

My regrets will cool that warmth because try as I might, I'm growing away from people. I know that I've made mistakes in the past. And there are some people I wish I never had to leave behind.

Then the train stops, the scenery changes, and this little fishie is more than ready is venture out into the big new world.

P.S. I'd like to thank Kim and Romantic Heroine for the awards, thank you so much, beautiful girls!

Love to you all,


Phoenix said...

I think cities do this to us - wake us up to how important we are in our anonymity.

When you push down the sky, guess what surrounds you? An even bigger horizon. Don't be afraid to push the fish and sky around to suit your needs.

One day you'll find a living space that fits your energy. Until then...keep breathing.

natalie said...

Yeah, going from such a place like San Francisco must be kind of a difficult transition... going back to reality and all :/ But if you get to move in a month, that's not too far away, so just hang in there til then I suppose!

MT Days & Nights said...

Your new blog picture is stunning! I feel that way sometimes. I think a change of scenery can give you a new perspective on the world.

English Rose ♥ said...

This was such a beautiful post Heather - you expressed yourself beautifully!

Merci beaucoup for stopping by darling =]

Stay safe and chic ma chérie,
English Rose x

OliviaDias said...

Thanks for the sweet comment.
Your blog is beautifully written,
I know you feel, its hard re-adjusting to the mundanity of life after spending time away somewhere where you felt completely free.
Just console yourself with the thought that you are still young and have a lifetime to travel and discover even more. x

drollgirl said...

i am so glad that you enjoyed the big city. and it looks like it inspired you to push out and go further, and that is just rad. well done! onward and upward! :)

Jo said...

You said it best...."Swim little fishy, swim." I love that!

Anonymous said...

Great new header! :)

Anonymous said...

If you can not be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. ....................................................

FASHIONconfectionairy said...

I want to be woken up inside, I live in Seattle which is pretty colourful and busy, so I am looking for another addiction than life. The Outsiders, a.k.a. the best book you read in middle school, taught me that things don't change no matter where you are. So i guess I have to be my own revival. If that makes sense.

Amanda Lalique said...

wow you are such a great, authentic writer.... in due time you will be at ease
Hang in there!

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime said...

Love the photos in this post and your new header :)

Cheryl said...

I really enjoyed reading about your trip to SF. I love seeing my home area through those experiencing it with fresh eyes.

I hope you get your wish, sounds like you're ready for bigger and better things.

PS- I've always wanted to try the Starlight Room. I went to school around the corner from there (the Academy of Art) but, like Alcatraz, I just never got around to it. But after seeing that pizza and that view!!!! Next time you're in SF, maybe we can go together!

Happy Thursday! :)

Andrew Green said...

If I could go anywhere, it would be San Fran....
And those are lovely pictures.

Darcy said...

I love going through your SF journey! I am actually going there tomorrow for the FIRST time and just relished your descriptions and pics--getting me giddy and now i know in the four days of travel there i gotta follow some of your footsteps!

Dancing Branflake said...

You have such a wonderful writing style. And your pictures are so amazing.
I love SF and I love hearing all things SF, the good and the bad.