Monday, April 12, 2010
The Sky is Falling
Getting back into the routine after visiting SF was difficult. For starters, when I got back on that Friday afternoon (after an absolutely nightmarish plane ride that I suffered from jet lag for two days after), I felt resentful to be in TO again. So small, so quiet, having to walk for fifteen minutes just to get to the Rite Aid alone.
It did not occur to me just how much SF woke me up inside. TO is beautiful and silent, like some art gallery that nobody updated for fifty years. SF is brimming with colors and bodies and crushing, exuberant LIFE. A life in the city that, despite the occasional upset, is the life I am used to but forgot about once I moved.
Here in TO, I'm a big fish in a tiny pond. A fish who has done her laps and is head of the school, but tired of making the same rounds. In SF, I was a random fish in an ocean of sea creatures. My name mattered to no one unless I made it matter.
All of my dormant drive revived again. Swim little fishie swim!
While I can't move for at least another month, I can still wander about the campus in an iPod induced daze, letting my playlist be my soundtrack.
Today, in this perfect little bubble, with its perfect trees, blue skies of fluffy clouds, and soft breeze, I envisioned this all ending. The scenery around me falling down. The set changing. When it turns out the trees and the bleachers and the buildings are just flimsy pieces of cardboard. You can push it down and stand in a field of empty.
Then you want to push the sky down because it is so perfect and then the sky is falling too. What surrounds you then?
I feel like even in the silence, even in the nothing, I will never be alone.
One of my new favorite songs is Massive Attack's "Live With Me", a very haunting, stirring piece of lyrics and violins. The lyrics mention at one point:
Either way/Win or Lose/When you're born into trouble/You live the blues.
These words and this whole song make me feel like I'm on a train. I'm speeding away from everyone and everything that I love, but hurtling into something unknown and exciting. A crescent of light hits my hair in this train and I feel physical warmth as well as mental warmth from my memories.
My regrets will cool that warmth because try as I might, I'm growing away from people. I know that I've made mistakes in the past. And there are some people I wish I never had to leave behind.
Then the train stops, the scenery changes, and this little fishie is more than ready is venture out into the big new world.
P.S. I'd like to thank Kim and Romantic Heroine for the awards, thank you so much, beautiful girls!
Love to you all,