Sunday, January 3, 2010
I Am Feeling Good Up There/Just Keep the Diamonds in My Hair
This is my first entry of 2010 and I wanted it to be special. I wasn't sure at all what to write about and in some strange way, felt skittish approaching my blog.
So I'll write about the best thing about today. I awoke to 70 degree weather with the sun shining down on my face in my bedroom. True, it was 11am and I had gone to bed at 5:30am and I accidentally forgot to pull my contacts out and my eyes looked all bloodshot and gross, but that blue sky and sun more than made up for it.
It is 2010 and I have been living in California since 2008. And I'm telling you, most days I feel like I'm still dreaming. I pinch myself sometimes. I can't believe that I got to go to my dream school, meet my wonderful and gorgeous best friends, have the world's greatest roommates, and in my usual tradition, continue to be the workaholic I always was with two jobs on campus and loads of extracurricular activities.
I can honestly say that right now, I feel completely content with my life and very, very happy.
So, as I do whenever it is lovely and warm outside, I went for a walk.
Love the palm trees waving in the breeze, greeting me.
Not loving the huge black bees that decided to chase me out into the street.
Whenever it is very sunny and light outside, I listen to two artists that I always associate with summertime and spring break. Katy Rose is one of them. You might remember her from the "Overdrive" song featured in the film Mean Girls.
Not surprisingly, "Overdrive" gets its play with me as does another song, "Lemon" which is more somber, but still quite good.
Moby gets a great deal of play too, particularly "Porcelain", a song I always associate with running through the grass and beams of sunlight pouring down on your head. "God Moving Over the Face of the Waters is also haunting as well.
Sometimes I wonder what my life might have been like if I grew up in California. I think about the West Coast alter ego of myself and how she might have been much more laid back and carefree.
Since living here, I've seen a noticeable change within myself. My family has remarked that it is a much more grown-up version of me. Back at home, I used to be quite a different person. I was very concerned with being on time to a freakish degree (an hour or so early to work, everyday). My sense of style was beginning to slowly piece itself together, but was far from complete. I was a very unhappy, bitter person. I saw everyone around me moving forward in their lives and even though I was furiously working to get to that point, it wasn't yet my turn to move forward.
I think back then, and sometimes still now, my biggest fear was being trapped in the same place, doing the same things surrounded by the same people for an indefinite number of years. I wish I could explain just why I constantly feel the need to move away, why my heart yearns for elsewhere. When I was younger and felt like I was drowning from pressure and school-related stress, I used to shut my eyes and imagine just running at the speed of light to an airport, a bus, a neverending highway. Escape. Maybe that's why I run in the majority of the dreams I have.
Then I'd just open my eyes and face all of my issues head-on, feeling better.
Recently, this fear of being trapped in the same place has risen and fallen to varying degrees due to my impending graduation. For the time being, I've decided to push all of that underneath a rug and step on it to smash it down.
I just want to spend as much of my time with my friends as humanly possible. I'm having a hard time imagining my life without them in it next year. The only cure is to make as many beautiful, glorious memories as can be made.
For now, I look forward to tomorrow with its 71 degree temperature.
Love to you all,